Ty'nea's Journal

i went to a wedding in voss-ka on friday.

harith and tybel.  

they were beautiful.  is it strange to call two men beautiful?  even if it is, it fits.  they were both so happy and so in love and everything was perfect for them.  even rayza was nice to me there.  

i couldn’t find frames to fit.  but i drew portraits for their present.  one of each of them in profile, and then one of them together.  i hope they liked them.  they acted like they did, at least.

and rayza…

he was actually really nice.  for real, not even fake-nice.  and he gave them a holoart piece of them.  it was amazing; i know i couldn’t ever do a piece quite that well; i’m still stuck on trees.

if things were different, i’d talk with him about it.  learn his techniques.  maybe work with him on a piece.  

but they’re not.

after the wedding, i went to the cantina there.  just to think.  a nice solider came to talk to me - i think he may have been flirting with me.  i never know when someone is or isn’t, really.  and then jerhal came in.  he didn’t recognize me at first; my hair was up and i was in a dress.  but when he did… he smiled.  he has the best smile.  i guess the soldier was one of the men of the 7th.

he introduced me to another soldier - i think his name is greysen.  we were talking at the bar and it was actually a good time. i was relaxing and…

and…

the sith.  my horrible tail commed my location, and who i was with.  and the sith walked in.  it was so bad.  and then his partner came in and it got worse.  and i don’t remember what all was said, all i remember is standing between jerhal and the sith.  and he and greysen told me to move.  told me to just walk away.

but i knew, then.

i can’t walk away.  i can’t just… go.  he’ll never let me go.

i made a deal.  jerhal got so mad, but i made a deal.  he would cancel what i had to do for him if i agreed to meet him in private at a time to be determined.  and i did and jerhal walked out but the sith’s partner…

she barked after him. like he was some sort of dog.  and jerhal got so mad.  i had to beg him to just… not.  to just walk away. and he did.

i don’t think he understands, still.  i know he thinks he understands why.  but there’s so much more to it.

i can’t have his blood on my hands, too.

we met back up later.  he understands why i’m so scared, now.  he is, too.  he took me back to where the 7th has their base and introduced me to his commanding officer.  i don’t think he likes me.

if i were him, i wouldn’t either.  i’ve put all of them in danger, and i never meant to.  ever.

jerhal’s offered to get me help.  real  help.  jedi assistance, political asylum sort of help.

if i did that, i’d never be safe.  i’m already not safe, but i’ll never be safe.

and i’d never see rythe again.

he’s my best friend.  for so long, he was my only friend.

i don’t know what to do.

and jerhal leaves in a week.

i’m so scared.  i don’t know what to do.  

everything… i’ve done everything all wrong.

and now there’s more trouble and it’s all my fault.

the sith.  he found out about jerhal.  we hadn’t done anything, but he took it as a personal affront.  of course he found out.  i forgot about that stupid tail he has on me.  i got complacent and forgot and that stupid tail reported back and the sith and his partner found me in the cantina when i was there with rythe and his new friends and took me aside and told me to stop seeing him.  when i told them it was nothing, he told me that i must bring him back any intel i could find out about republic troop movement or actions from jerhal.

and i agreed.

and then told jerhal never to tell me anything that could have anything remotely construed from it.  ever.

and i can’t tell rythe any of this.  he’s told me again that i was too depressing, and i think he just wants me to go away.  and we were talking and saeren came and…

and…

they’re happy together, i think.  but he remembers everything.  every last thing i said.  so i need to stay the fuck away so they can stay happy and i don’t ruin everything there, as well.

and a few days ago i made a decision.  before any of this.  jerhal introduced me to his sister and she was cooly accepting and then jerhal and i went back to his ship and i didn’t leave until the next afternoon.  and it was amazing and perfect and for about a day and a half i didn’t have nightmares and i was able to draw and paint and everything was crystal clear and wonderful.

and i finished a project i’d been working on for the sith that i’d started when i was working on his mural.  and it turned out far better than i expected.  and i bound all of the sketches up in a single book and when he commed me last night i thought he had a job for me so i took it with me.

and instead everything went wrong, so wrong.

so, so wrong.

he told me i was throwing everything he ever gave me in his face.  that he considered me a member of the sith empire and my actions were tantamount to treason.  and i reminded him i had sworn no oath to no one.  and he gave me three choices.

1 - leave jerhal to prove my loyalty to the empire and to him.  

2 - stay with jerhal and get information, as he originally requested, and do nothing as he systematically executes all of jerhal’s friends and family but me.  so i would always remember it was my fault.

3 - do nothing, stay as i was, and watch as he executes jerhal before doing the same to me.

i can’t remember what happened after that, exactly.  i don’t remember what i said. i have a very strong feeling that i’m incredibly lucky to be alive right now.  i remember him saying i had one week.  one week to provide him with accurate intel about the republic which he could act on, or else i would see the end of his leniency. 

and as he went back on his ship, i threw the notebook at him.  i don’t even know if it made it to the gangplank.

i don’t care.  

i hate him.  i hate them all.  i’ve half a mind to comm that asshole who ratted me out in the first place and put a blaster bolt between his eyes.  but i wouldn’t get the draw on him, and even if i did the sith would come after me.

all i could think to do was call jerhal.  to warn him.  to tell him to stay away, to get as far away from me as he could.  so he could survive.  and instead he came and found me and put me on his ship and took me deep into republic space.  and he told me he loved me and everything would be okay.  that he’d keep me safe.

and before i knew what was happening my mouth opened and i said i loved him and it wasn’t a lie.

but he’s only one man.

and he’s leaving in two weeks.

and the sith is so strong.

i have nowhere to go.

and it’s all i can do to not panic.

WARNING!  AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!

CONTINUE? Y/N

*The familiar low thrum of a ship’s engine is punctuated by the almost frantic scratching of graphite against a slip of paper.  There is no long pause, or introspective sigh before she begins talking; rather, her voice is held to a near-monotone, as though she feared allowing it to run its natural course would betray her somehow.*

I will be working for Harith - for the benefit of Rayza, of all people - soon.  One final job.

Then I will be taking an indefinite hiatus from guarding Tybel, with Harith’s blessing.

I don’t know if, or when, I’ll go back.  To them.  Or to the Sith.

I’m tired.

*She sighs, the graphite tapping an unsteady rhythm against a metal surface* 

I just want to sit and not… not be angry.  Or scared.  I want to learn how to make things other than soup to eat.  I want to learn who I am without hiding behind my walls.  Without hiding at the bottom of a bottle of Alderaanian wine.  I want to draw things other than my nightmares. 

I want to know why Saeren loved me.  How he determined I was the one he wanted to love, even though I was pushing him away even as he pushed forward.

And I want to know if what I felt - feel - for him was love, real love, or the relief that someone did love me for once, no matter what kind of love it was.

I want to know this.

No.

I need to know this.

*She takes a deep breath, graphite scratching almost frantically as her voice cracks.*

I’m broken.  I’m no good.  And things are happening and I want to put my walls back up and curl behind them and hide and be alone because I don’t want to deal with what I’m feeling and with what I’m hearing.

I mean… fuck.

Jerhal told me he loved me.

*The graphite crack-snaps and she chokes out a short, strangled, almost hysteric laugh.*

What do I say to that?

I can’t deal with this.  

I can’t deal with how remembering the words makes my heart catch in my throat even now.  

I can’t deal with how I wake up from reliving the look on Saeren’s face as he shielded me from the explosion, only to slip into the memory of Jerhal’s hands on the small of my back while his mouth was on my throat.

I can’t deal with this feeling of falling again when I can’t remember the last time I was on solid ground.

I just…

I can’t.

*She falls silent, the thrum of the engine once again filling the feed like some sort of ancient song whispered through the room.  When she speaks again, her voice is sad, yet determined.*

I have never wanted to run away more than I do right now.

And I can’t.

Saeren told me to be selfish.  To think of myself.

I hope never remembers that.

AUDIO FEED ENDED!  DELETE RECORDING? Y/N

the last few days have been… interesting.

i ran into jerhal before i got a new comm.  i told him what had happened.  we ended up talking for hours, sitting out behind some building in voss-ka and looking across the ravine to the gold and red trees beyond.

and when i started to cry, talking about what happened, he pulled me close and just let me.  he didn’t tell me to suck it up or to be glad it was over or to go beg saeren’s forgiveness, or try to tell me i made the right or wrong decision in the first place.  he just wrapped me up and let me cry and pet my hair until it was over.

he asked to take me out to dinner.  i almost said no.  i’d never been on a real date before - saeren wanted to take me on one, but things never worked out right - and besides, i wasn’t sure…

i don’t know.  i guess i wasn’t sure if it was respectful or not to saeren.  which sounds strange on the surface, i guess.

in the end, though, i said yes.  and he took me to a place on nar shaddaa - one of the places i used to tend bar, but i didn’t tell him that.  same old trandoshan bartender was there, and he recognized me when i ordered my wine in old basic.  we used it in the kitchen there to be heard above the noise of the building and crowd.

and jerhal looked at me like i’d just had a jawa pop out of my ear.  he speaks it too.  taught himself on a whim a few years ago.  so that was weird.

we ate decent nerf steak and drank wine and talked and talked.  after, we went for a walk and ended up by one of the barges underneath the high-roller casinos.  i pointed out little things you wouldn’t look for unless you lived on nar shaddaa - the hidden taxi port, the giant apartment made to look like a warehouse.  i pointed way down a dozen and a half levels to the tiny window that was my first apartment there.

and he kissed me again.  right there.  and it was like when saeren kissed me with shared sight, it had all the same feeling behind it, and all the same intensity, but without being able to see what he was feeling.  it was heady and disconcerting, all at the same time.

a few mornings later, he commed me.  just to say hi.  i was still on the space port over voss - it’s pretty here, and i don’t have to worry about pirates or anything - and was working on the finishing touches on rythe’s mural.  i started it over; it was supposed to be alderaan, but i did a voss landscape instead, in honor of the book he gave me.

and so i was brave.  i invited jerhal to come up for coffee, since it was still morning-ish planetside.  he came up and we sat and talked and he looked at my paintings and some of my sketches.

and we kissed again.

and then he had to leave.

and then last night, right as i was crawling into bed, he comm’ed again.  and even though i was tired, i couldn’t help it.  we talked for a good hour and i was telling him how some nights i’d sit with tea and my big blanket and look out at all the stars and then i’m not sure how or why but i invited him up again.

and nothing happened.  i’m still not a hundred percent certain i want anything to happen again, with anyone.  but either way.  we sat in my chair, wrapped in my blanket, and counted stars until we both fell asleep.

and when we woke up at the early tiny hours of planetside time, he didn’t try to stay, or get in my bed.  he just kissed me goodbye with a smile.

and today i go to alderaan.  to see the new base.  to talk with tybel.  to play with valo.

and i’m not sure what to think, or do.

i like jerhal.  i know i shouldn’t.  for a hundred different reasons, the fact that he’s a republic soldier, for maker’s sake, and i’m… well.  i never swore any oath, but i’m definitely imperial-adjacent.  that’s a huge one.

all i know is that part of me is screaming to put my walls back up, to keep everyone out forever.  reminding me that nothing ever good comes when they’re down.

and that nothing good can come of this.

but another part wants to leave them where they lay.

forever.

i’m not sure how i made it back to my ship.  but i did.

i’m not sure how i made that last voice recording.  but i did.

i’m not sure how i made it upstairs to my quarters.  but i did.

i’m not sure how i undressed and crawled into bed.  but i did.

i’m not sure how i slept completely still for nineteen hours. but i did.

the shock is mostly wearing off.

i spoke with rythe.  he’s taken over medical supervision of saeren.  he didn’t die.  he doesn’t remember me.  at least, not who i was.  who we were.  he remembers my name.

it’s better that way.

rythe loves him.  he’s taking care of him, not only as a medic, but as a partner.  they need each other right now.

saeren was right about that, at least.

the sith found me.  before i spoke with rythe.  when i still thought saeren was dead.  he’s granted me as much time as i need to put my head back together; he only requests that i keep in touch while i do.  he does care, in his own way.

i need to talk with tybel.  he’s undoubtedly heard about the explosion.  the base of operations had to move from balmorra to alderaan.  i need to see the new one.

i thought about taking time off from guarding for him, as well.  but… that’s not a job.  that’s…

it’s…

i’ll talk to him.

my comm was fried in the explosion.  i want to talk to jerhal again; tell him thank you again for the talk.  maybe i’ll go back to voss and see if i can find him.  

should get a new comm, too.

((yes, i know, a lot more has happened; i’m trying to stagger the posts so its not like ZOMG WALLOTEXT))

WARNING!  AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!

CONTINUE? Y/N

*The low hum of a ship’s engine filters from the playback device; low, shaky breaths barely audible above the sound.  Her voice, when she finally speaks, is hoarse and flat, as though she’d spent the last several hours sobbing.*

I talked to Rythe.

Saeren… he was doing terrible things.  Horrible things.  And Rythe thought he deserved it.  He just took it because it was better than the alternative.

And that cemented it.  I was still… I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.  Not until then.

I was so mad.  I was so mad.  I punched the floor on Rythe’s ship so hard I broke my finger.

*She coughs; a dry, hacking sound.*

I went to end it.  It was going to be over either way.

He knew I was coming.  He knew what was happening.  He was waiting outside his ship for me. 

He tried to tell me I was wrong; that I misunderstood everything, I misunderstood his intent.  That he loved me.

But he wasn’t wearing the cloth I made him any more.

And we fought.  And yelled.  And…

*Her voice falters.*

A sith.  His old master.  He’d been following me; maker knows how long.  To get to Saeren.  I don’t know why.

And Saeren told me to run.  And I didn’t.  I was so tired of being told what to do that I ignored him.  And the sith threw me across the hangar.  And like an idiot I shot at him, and he deflected it into Saeren’s leg. And then the other sith was behind me and all I could do was swing out.  Instinct.

And he lifted me up without touching me and I couldn’t breathe.  Everything started to get fuzzy.  And then I was on the floor and I saw his light saber glowing and all I could think of was the night so many years ago when everyone died because I didn’t… I didn’t…

*She trails off, breath shaky.*

I kicked out.  I wasn’t even aiming, I just kicked.  I hit his knee and then Saeren was over him and I thought it was over.  Saeren had done something to him; he was coughing blood.  And then the other sith laughed and reached into his robe and then all there was was fire.

And the last thing…

The last thing Saeren did.  He threw a force shield around me and said “I love you.”

And then it was so bright, and there was fire and smoke.  And Saeren was laying there so still, and there was so much blood.

And he made sure it wasn’t me.

*She chokes out a sob.*

It needed to end.

But I didn’t want it to end like this.

Not like this.

It’s all my fault.

AUDIO FEED ENDED!  DELETE RECORDING?  Y/N

i can’t do it.

i can’t.

i thought it would be okay.  i love saeren.  i love rythe.  the three of us together should be okay.

but i can’t do it.  i can’t.

and for him to say that i needed it.  that i didn’t know my own wants.  again.  that i didn’t know how to deal with my own life.  again.  he doesn’t know me at all.  he can see my absolute most secret feelings in my aura, but he doesn’t know me.  

maker, i love him so much.  but i can’t.  if it was just one time, it’d be okay.  but it wouldn’t be.  it would be forever.  every time.  always.

rythe and i tried to talk about it last night, and saeren showed up.  i couldn’t.  right then i just couldn’t.  i lied, i ran, i said i had a hunt i needed to go on and that i’d talk to him later.

i went to voss.  i went to the cantina to drink.  and think.  and i ran into sergeant jerhal.  he could tell i was upset, but i just told him i was fine.  and then that horrible sith borus showed up and jerhal stepped in, stepped right up next to me and matched him word for word until borus left.

and i almost started crying right there in the middle of the cantina.  everything just hit me at once. jerhal grabbed my beer and walked me out and we ended up sitting and talking and i told him everything.

and he got mad, almost.  said what saeren was doing was tantamount to emotional abuse.  and he told me to leave, that i deserved better.  i told him exactly what i told saeren when we met.  i’m tired of running.

he looked right at me and called bullshit.  he said that i was running in a thousand different directions and from a thousand different things and had no idea where to go; that i was lying to myself in so many ways and in so many places that there was absolutely no way i could tell what was or wasn’t the truth any more.

and that it wasn’t about just loyalty or disloyalty or love or running.  that it was about standing up for myself, and for what i wanted -  not anyone else.  and i hated hearing it.  because he was right.

and i looked up to say something and he kissed me.  i could feel every word and every emotion behind his actions, without the benefit of being able to see my aura to point him in one direction or another.  there was nothing malicious.  he wasn’t trying to use my misery to get another notch on his bedpost.  he was trying to make me realize i didn’t have to settle if i was going to be unhappy.

and i kissed him back.  i know i shouldn’t have, but i did. 

and it’s done now.  so whatever.

i left after that.  

saeren comm’ed me while i was headed to my ship.  he knows he screwed up and was all apologies and placating words.  i told him i loved him and that i’d comm him tomorrow.  today, now.  i didn’t though.  i had to think.  i sat on my ship and drew and drank wine and thought and thought.

then i went to balmorra.  i wanted to check on harith and have some tea with tybel, but i didn’t even get as far as the base.  tybel and the baby were at the spaceport, and i found myself pouring my heart to him while the baby napped.

and he echoed jerhal’s words.  

he said that the way saeren was acting was abusive.  manipulative. 

and then he said that ultimately, i know what’s best for me.

and he’s right.

they’re both right.

i knew from the beginning, from the very first time i met him, that he was sith.  that should have warned me, should have warded me. 

i locked myself away from everyone for five years.  saeren took me out of one cage, but it feel like all he’s doing is grooming me for another.  he says he wanted me and only me, but that… it’s still a lie.  words don’t mean anything when you turn around and do the opposite in front of my face.

so no.

it’s not running away this time.

its standing up for myself.

and no matter what happens, no one wins.

i love him.  i love him so much.  but i need to love myself more.  

for once, i need to love myself more.

and i’m sure i’ll be perfectly unhappy.

WARNING!  AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!

CONTINUE? Y/N

*Absolute silence.  The feed may be broken.  Not a bird, not a whisper of wind, not an engine rumble in the distance crackles through.  Then a small, familiar voice.*

I came home from Balmorra last night.  I’m not sure what I was expecting to find.

Rythe commed me while I was halfway back.  He and Saeren were hanging out.  Rythe brought brownies.

I’m not sure what happened. Rythe asked my permission to sleep with Saeren.  And I said yes.  I knew it wouldn’t mean anything to either of them.  Rythe just needed something.  And Saeren… I saw the kiss the other day, when he was high on kolto.  I knew he was curious.

*She falls silent, sighing.  That strange silence fills the feed again.*

When I got to Saeren’s ship, they were both still there.  I expected that part.  I expected leftover brownies, too.  But…

*She sighs again.  It’s not exactly a happy sound, nor is it completely sad.*

They proposed a… well.  Not exactly an open relationship.  But bringing Rythe into ours.  The three of us.  He said Rythe needed it.  He said he needed it.  He said I needed it.

I’m not too sure about that last one.

And I don’t…

*She pauses, voice catching.*

I said yes.  Of course.  I love them both so much.  If they both need it - really need it - it’ll be okay.  They’ll be happy.  That’s what matters.

I’m sure I’ll be happy too.

The brownies were good.

*The feed goes silent again, but it is uncertain whether she’s stopped talking completely until the playback beeps the end.*

AUDIO FEED ENDED!  DELETE RECORDING?  Y/N

i was in balmorra for two days.

i came home to saeren today.

rythe was there, too.

we had brownies.

i went to bed.

i don’t want to think about what happened in between those things right now.

i’ve been so busy.  i haven’t had time to write.

so much has happened.

rythe and i are having tea almost every morning.  i’m really worried about him.  he’s even more withdrawn and closed off than ever.  and he really misses rayza.  i know rayza hates me, but i wonder if i can talk to him.  maybe.

that’s probably not a good idea.  

we got harith back.  alive, thank the maker.  i called in a favor from an old acquaintance from my heavy street fighting days.  ludwik came through with a shitton of sliced data, and one of the things managed to help us pinpoint exactly where he was.  that was such a scary experience though.  and tybel… poor tybel.  he’s beside himself.  because of harith.

and the baby.

there’s a baby.

tybel and i had to go to coruscant.  when rhibai died, he gave tybel a datachip with his apartment address.  tybel and i were the only ones who could move through coruscant without getting way too much attention.  and there was a little miraluka baby with a droid caregiver in his apartment.

a little baby.  maybe one year old.  maybe.  and i held him and he curled against my chest and fell asleep and he smelled so sweet and his little face was so trusting once he calmed down and and and…

i never liked babies or wanted one but just holding him like that made me want one.  but that can’t happen.  not now.  maybe not ever.  so it’s okay.

and saeren and i are okay.  more than okay.  i love him and he loves me and when he holds me and kisses me and takes me i feel so amazingly safe and protected.  he wants to train me against force users, so i’ll be able to protect myself in case tybel and i are ambushed by a sene seeker when we’re out.

and i’m almost done with rythe’s mural of alderaan.  i’m really proud of how it’s turning out; i think it’s even better than the one of korriban.  i hope he likes it.

i feel like i’m forgetting things.

i probably am.

:::ADDENDUM:::

i remembered what i forgot.  i got into a fistfight with some rep soldier last night and almost got arrested.  i was on voss.  it was one of the jerks that sergeant jerhal (the one who saved me from borus) has command over.  he (the soldier, not jerhal) had singled me out a few weeks ago, too, just for a random stop.  what an asshole.  it’s not like he has any say on voss, either.

good thing it wasn’t any other planet.  i would have kicked his ass from here until next week and probably shot him for good measure.  i already was beating the shit out of him when jerhal pulled me off of him.

he started it.

i got home two nights ago, changed, and went to saeren.  it felt so good to be in his arms; the welcome home kiss was like bliss.

…then i fell asleep face-first on his bed for the better part of twenty-four hours.

i woke up finally.  saeren was right there, reading.  and he made me something to eat and we curled up and cuddled and cuddling led to kissing and that led to… well.  not what i was expecting.  

i was stretched out naked under his hands and mouth when his personal comm went off.  not the emergency one.  his personal one.  

he answered it.  

it was a really, really pretty twi’lek.

and he told her he’d be there in twenty minutes.

i left.  i couldn’t let him see me cry.  he’d given me a gift of bioluminescent paints. i left them there. he gave me a necklace and armband.  i left the armband there; i was wearing the necklace.  leaving them wasn’t intentional, but i just… i needed to not be there, and he was leaving anyway, so i just left as fast as i could.

i got back to my ship and wrapped myself around a pillow and cried away my shame, all the way down into the blissful arms of unconsciousness.

he woke me up a bit later.  i’d programmed the droid to just let him in without alerting.  it was a misunderstanding, he said. he’d brought me flowers.  the twi’lek was the one from voss the other day, when the sith told me i had to have a bodyguard.  i’d forgotten about her in the mess of that day.  she’s a slave who saeren’s befriended.

i felt so relieved.  i felt so stupid. but that stupid little voice in the back of my head is still whispering “he’s using you.  he’s just using you.”  it’ll shut up soon enough.  he’s not.

i know he’s not.

he and i just curled up and napped a bit in each other’s arms.  when he left, i checked in with tybel to see how he was; if he would need me any time soon.

harith’s been taken… somewhere.  missing.  i don’t know all the details, something about a dark  jedi and a fight and now harith is missing.  tybel sounded flat.  like all the life had left him, like he was only breathing until someone told him he could stop.  i told him not to stop.  ears up and feet down in hutt space.  i made some calls; have a friend i think can help.  he’s getting back to me if he hears anything.  i’ll slice in soon; hutt networking isn’t half as secure as they’d like to think it is.  

we’ll get him back.

i spent the afternoon alternating between running data checks and sketching. 

i’m worried about tybel.

i’m worried about saeren.

and i still haven’t spoken with rythe since i got back.

all my plans for taking time for myself are tumbling down.  but my friends need me. i’ll be okay.  i can survive anything.  but they need me.