all tumbling down
i got home two nights ago, changed, and went to saeren. it felt so good to be in his arms; the welcome home kiss was like bliss.
…then i fell asleep face-first on his bed for the better part of twenty-four hours.
i woke up finally. saeren was right there, reading. and he made me something to eat and we curled up and cuddled and cuddling led to kissing and that led to… well. not what i was expecting.
i was stretched out naked under his hands and mouth when his personal comm went off. not the emergency one. his personal one.
he answered it.
it was a really, really pretty twi’lek.
and he told her he’d be there in twenty minutes.
i left. i couldn’t let him see me cry. he’d given me a gift of bioluminescent paints. i left them there. he gave me a necklace and armband. i left the armband there; i was wearing the necklace. leaving them wasn’t intentional, but i just… i needed to not be there, and he was leaving anyway, so i just left as fast as i could.
i got back to my ship and wrapped myself around a pillow and cried away my shame, all the way down into the blissful arms of unconsciousness.
he woke me up a bit later. i’d programmed the droid to just let him in without alerting. it was a misunderstanding, he said. he’d brought me flowers. the twi’lek was the one from voss the other day, when the sith told me i had to have a bodyguard. i’d forgotten about her in the mess of that day. she’s a slave who saeren’s befriended.
i felt so relieved. i felt so stupid. but that stupid little voice in the back of my head is still whispering “he’s using you. he’s just using you.” it’ll shut up soon enough. he’s not.
i know he’s not.
he and i just curled up and napped a bit in each other’s arms. when he left, i checked in with tybel to see how he was; if he would need me any time soon.
harith’s been taken… somewhere. missing. i don’t know all the details, something about a dark jedi and a fight and now harith is missing. tybel sounded flat. like all the life had left him, like he was only breathing until someone told him he could stop. i told him not to stop. ears up and feet down in hutt space. i made some calls; have a friend i think can help. he’s getting back to me if he hears anything. i’ll slice in soon; hutt networking isn’t half as secure as they’d like to think it is.
we’ll get him back.
i spent the afternoon alternating between running data checks and sketching.
i’m worried about tybel.
i’m worried about saeren.
and i still haven’t spoken with rythe since i got back.
all my plans for taking time for myself are tumbling down. but my friends need me. i’ll be okay. i can survive anything. but they need me.
