((Different translations of Ty’nea. I love them all more than words could possibly say. From the top: Rhibai kill squad (Nea is second from left on top row) by Evanlysis, Ty’nea solo (also by Evanlysis), Ty’nea being a sexy fuckin’ huntress by Kida, and Ty’nea relaxing and safe (for now) by Silvis.
I’m touched and honored that you would all draw Nea. Thank you. <3 ))
i went to a wedding in voss-ka on friday.
harith and tybel.
they were beautiful. is it strange to call two men beautiful? even if it is, it fits. they were both so happy and so in love and everything was perfect for them. even rayza was nice to me there.
i couldn’t find frames to fit. but i drew portraits for their present. one of each of them in profile, and then one of them together. i hope they liked them. they acted like they did, at least.
and rayza…
he was actually really nice. for real, not even fake-nice. and he gave them a holoart piece of them. it was amazing; i know i couldn’t ever do a piece quite that well; i’m still stuck on trees.
if things were different, i’d talk with him about it. learn his techniques. maybe work with him on a piece.
but they’re not.
after the wedding, i went to the cantina there. just to think. a nice solider came to talk to me - i think he may have been flirting with me. i never know when someone is or isn’t, really. and then jerhal came in. he didn’t recognize me at first; my hair was up and i was in a dress. but when he did… he smiled. he has the best smile. i guess the soldier was one of the men of the 7th.
he introduced me to another soldier - i think his name is greysen. we were talking at the bar and it was actually a good time. i was relaxing and…
and…
the sith. my horrible tail commed my location, and who i was with. and the sith walked in. it was so bad. and then his partner came in and it got worse. and i don’t remember what all was said, all i remember is standing between jerhal and the sith. and he and greysen told me to move. told me to just walk away.
but i knew, then.
i can’t walk away. i can’t just… go. he’ll never let me go.
i made a deal. jerhal got so mad, but i made a deal. he would cancel what i had to do for him if i agreed to meet him in private at a time to be determined. and i did and jerhal walked out but the sith’s partner…
she barked after him. like he was some sort of dog. and jerhal got so mad. i had to beg him to just… not. to just walk away. and he did.
i don’t think he understands, still. i know he thinks he understands why. but there’s so much more to it.
i can’t have his blood on my hands, too.
we met back up later. he understands why i’m so scared, now. he is, too. he took me back to where the 7th has their base and introduced me to his commanding officer. i don’t think he likes me.
if i were him, i wouldn’t either. i’ve put all of them in danger, and i never meant to. ever.
jerhal’s offered to get me help. real help. jedi assistance, political asylum sort of help.
if i did that, i’d never be safe. i’m already not safe, but i’ll never be safe.
and i’d never see rythe again.
he’s my best friend. for so long, he was my only friend.
i don’t know what to do.
and jerhal leaves in a week.
WARNING! AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!
CONTINUE? Y/N
*The familiar low thrum of a ship’s engine is punctuated by the almost frantic scratching of graphite against a slip of paper. There is no long pause, or introspective sigh before she begins talking; rather, her voice is held to a near-monotone, as though she feared allowing it to run its natural course would betray her somehow.*
I will be working for Harith - for the benefit of Rayza, of all people - soon. One final job.
Then I will be taking an indefinite hiatus from guarding Tybel, with Harith’s blessing.
I don’t know if, or when, I’ll go back. To them. Or to the Sith.
I’m tired.
*She sighs, the graphite tapping an unsteady rhythm against a metal surface*
I just want to sit and not… not be angry. Or scared. I want to learn how to make things other than soup to eat. I want to learn who I am without hiding behind my walls. Without hiding at the bottom of a bottle of Alderaanian wine. I want to draw things other than my nightmares.
I want to know why Saeren loved me. How he determined I was the one he wanted to love, even though I was pushing him away even as he pushed forward.
And I want to know if what I felt - feel - for him was love, real love, or the relief that someone did love me for once, no matter what kind of love it was.
I want to know this.
No.
I need to know this.
*She takes a deep breath, graphite scratching almost frantically as her voice cracks.*
I’m broken. I’m no good. And things are happening and I want to put my walls back up and curl behind them and hide and be alone because I don’t want to deal with what I’m feeling and with what I’m hearing.
I mean… fuck.
Jerhal told me he loved me.
*The graphite crack-snaps and she chokes out a short, strangled, almost hysteric laugh.*
What do I say to that?
I can’t deal with this.
I can’t deal with how remembering the words makes my heart catch in my throat even now.
I can’t deal with how I wake up from reliving the look on Saeren’s face as he shielded me from the explosion, only to slip into the memory of Jerhal’s hands on the small of my back while his mouth was on my throat.
I can’t deal with this feeling of falling again when I can’t remember the last time I was on solid ground.
I just…
I can’t.
*She falls silent, the thrum of the engine once again filling the feed like some sort of ancient song whispered through the room. When she speaks again, her voice is sad, yet determined.*
I have never wanted to run away more than I do right now.
And I can’t.
Saeren told me to be selfish. To think of myself.
I hope never remembers that.
AUDIO FEED ENDED! DELETE RECORDING? Y/N
i’ve been so busy. i haven’t had time to write.
so much has happened.
rythe and i are having tea almost every morning. i’m really worried about him. he’s even more withdrawn and closed off than ever. and he really misses rayza. i know rayza hates me, but i wonder if i can talk to him. maybe.
that’s probably not a good idea.
we got harith back. alive, thank the maker. i called in a favor from an old acquaintance from my heavy street fighting days. ludwik came through with a shitton of sliced data, and one of the things managed to help us pinpoint exactly where he was. that was such a scary experience though. and tybel… poor tybel. he’s beside himself. because of harith.
and the baby.
there’s a baby.
tybel and i had to go to coruscant. when rhibai died, he gave tybel a datachip with his apartment address. tybel and i were the only ones who could move through coruscant without getting way too much attention. and there was a little miraluka baby with a droid caregiver in his apartment.
a little baby. maybe one year old. maybe. and i held him and he curled against my chest and fell asleep and he smelled so sweet and his little face was so trusting once he calmed down and and and…
i never liked babies or wanted one but just holding him like that made me want one. but that can’t happen. not now. maybe not ever. so it’s okay.
and saeren and i are okay. more than okay. i love him and he loves me and when he holds me and kisses me and takes me i feel so amazingly safe and protected. he wants to train me against force users, so i’ll be able to protect myself in case tybel and i are ambushed by a sene seeker when we’re out.
and i’m almost done with rythe’s mural of alderaan. i’m really proud of how it’s turning out; i think it’s even better than the one of korriban. i hope he likes it.
i feel like i’m forgetting things.
i probably am.
:::ADDENDUM:::
i remembered what i forgot. i got into a fistfight with some rep soldier last night and almost got arrested. i was on voss. it was one of the jerks that sergeant jerhal (the one who saved me from borus) has command over. he (the soldier, not jerhal) had singled me out a few weeks ago, too, just for a random stop. what an asshole. it’s not like he has any say on voss, either.
good thing it wasn’t any other planet. i would have kicked his ass from here until next week and probably shot him for good measure. i already was beating the shit out of him when jerhal pulled me off of him.
he started it.
WARNING! AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!
CONTINUE? Y/N
*the low hum of a ship’s engine fills the recording’s first few seconds, along with the rustling sound of cloth on cloth. when she begins talking, her voice is clear, if a bit uncertain.*
I’ve heard the term whirlwind of emotions a hundred times before, but I never really knew what it meant until these last few weeks. Even more so the last twenty-four hours. I’ve gone from nervous, to calm, to angry, to curious, to furious, and back to… whatever this is. My normal default state.
*the cloth shifts again and she coughs slightly, then sniffs.*
I took a small nap before the dinner with Harith and Tybel. When I woke up, there was a message on my holocom.
It was Rythe.
Turns out he didn’t know his friend was trying to contact me. And he really did want to apologize. He and Rayza split a few days after he chose him. I have a sick little sense of schadenfreude over that.
He has information about my accident. The accident. Or so he said. I’m still not sure if I can fully trust him again. Unfortunately, my curiosity outweighs my anger on this particular subject.
*She sniffs again, fabric rustling.*
So I went to dinner and it was… it was amazing. I haven’t eaten that well in… I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever eaten that well. I’m so used to rations and cantina food and soup.
Harith and Tybel are both interesting men. Harith is almost… well, I can’t say emotionless, because he clearly cares very much for Tybel. He’s rather stoic, though. Tybel is a Miraluka. They both really liked my art, and Tybel gave me - or tried to give me - some insight on Miraluka culture, so I could figure out what Saeren’s game was.
*Her voice grows harder, slightly tinged with anger.*
Of course, I don’t particularly want to know, now.
He stole my shirt. My favorite shirt. Which means he had to come upstairs and into my quarters while I was sleeping. And he cut it up for a new covering for his eyes. That’s so not appropriate on so many different levels, the actual taking of the shirt itself being the least of them.
Worse than that, he insinuated that I would need help taking care of Tybel — right in front of him. ”You have my comm, contact me if you need help.” I’m sorry, but I can take care of myself, I know what I’m doing, and when it comes down to it I’m damn good at my job. For him to just blithely say that as though I were some little child trying to put together a model speeder, and in front of the person I’ve been hired on to guard?
I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t trust him.
*There’s a small flop-crunch, as though someone has fallen back onto pillows, and she sighs.*
At least Tybel’s nice. Even if he did decide to hug me and not let go when I asked.
So the year under contract shouldn’t be horrible.
I hope, anyway.
*With a click, the feed is silenced.*
i had nightmares again all last night. i might just start drinking heavily on a regular basis again just for the rest when i pass out. at least they’re not new dreams. just the same ones i’ve been having for years.
that doesn’t exactly give me comfort, but.
saeren called my comm in the middle of the night and wanted me to meet him on the fleet. i told him no. i was so tired, and besides, i didn’t want to go there - i was docked at the belsavis orbital station. i’m still thinking about what happened - not just that kiss, but everything - the other night. i told him i didn’t know if i have feelings for him. i still don’t know. i just feel like he might be expecting an answer sometime soon.
when i finally decided to give up on any attempts toward a decent amount of sleep, i went to take a shower, only to discover the shirt i wanted to wear is gone. i’d had it for years and had just got it to the perfect level of comfort, too. i’m sure it’ll turn up sooner or later.
then i logged onto the holonet chat thing and the first thing i get is a message from someone - i don’t even know who it is - wanting to talk to me about rythe. this person said that rythe was sorry and misses me and can’t find me and wants to talk to me.
bantha shit. i’m not falling for that again.
today i just need to finish up some paperwork, try and get a hold of the sith again, and get ready for the formal interview dinner with harith and my potential charge.
i’m not sure why i’m so nervous.
oh, balls. i just read through the holochat logs from when i was hunting today.
and noted when real names were said, for reference.
…i think i just got hired to guard someone by harith.
rayza’s harith.
i should just step out of an airlock right now.
