Ty'nea's Journal

i went to a wedding in voss-ka on friday.

harith and tybel.  

they were beautiful.  is it strange to call two men beautiful?  even if it is, it fits.  they were both so happy and so in love and everything was perfect for them.  even rayza was nice to me there.  

i couldn’t find frames to fit.  but i drew portraits for their present.  one of each of them in profile, and then one of them together.  i hope they liked them.  they acted like they did, at least.

and rayza…

he was actually really nice.  for real, not even fake-nice.  and he gave them a holoart piece of them.  it was amazing; i know i couldn’t ever do a piece quite that well; i’m still stuck on trees.

if things were different, i’d talk with him about it.  learn his techniques.  maybe work with him on a piece.  

but they’re not.

after the wedding, i went to the cantina there.  just to think.  a nice solider came to talk to me - i think he may have been flirting with me.  i never know when someone is or isn’t, really.  and then jerhal came in.  he didn’t recognize me at first; my hair was up and i was in a dress.  but when he did… he smiled.  he has the best smile.  i guess the soldier was one of the men of the 7th.

he introduced me to another soldier - i think his name is greysen.  we were talking at the bar and it was actually a good time. i was relaxing and…

and…

the sith.  my horrible tail commed my location, and who i was with.  and the sith walked in.  it was so bad.  and then his partner came in and it got worse.  and i don’t remember what all was said, all i remember is standing between jerhal and the sith.  and he and greysen told me to move.  told me to just walk away.

but i knew, then.

i can’t walk away.  i can’t just… go.  he’ll never let me go.

i made a deal.  jerhal got so mad, but i made a deal.  he would cancel what i had to do for him if i agreed to meet him in private at a time to be determined.  and i did and jerhal walked out but the sith’s partner…

she barked after him. like he was some sort of dog.  and jerhal got so mad.  i had to beg him to just… not.  to just walk away. and he did.

i don’t think he understands, still.  i know he thinks he understands why.  but there’s so much more to it.

i can’t have his blood on my hands, too.

we met back up later.  he understands why i’m so scared, now.  he is, too.  he took me back to where the 7th has their base and introduced me to his commanding officer.  i don’t think he likes me.

if i were him, i wouldn’t either.  i’ve put all of them in danger, and i never meant to.  ever.

jerhal’s offered to get me help.  real  help.  jedi assistance, political asylum sort of help.

if i did that, i’d never be safe.  i’m already not safe, but i’ll never be safe.

and i’d never see rythe again.

he’s my best friend.  for so long, he was my only friend.

i don’t know what to do.

and jerhal leaves in a week.

WARNING!  AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!

CONTINUE? Y/N

*The familiar low thrum of a ship’s engine is punctuated by the almost frantic scratching of graphite against a slip of paper.  There is no long pause, or introspective sigh before she begins talking; rather, her voice is held to a near-monotone, as though she feared allowing it to run its natural course would betray her somehow.*

I will be working for Harith - for the benefit of Rayza, of all people - soon.  One final job.

Then I will be taking an indefinite hiatus from guarding Tybel, with Harith’s blessing.

I don’t know if, or when, I’ll go back.  To them.  Or to the Sith.

I’m tired.

*She sighs, the graphite tapping an unsteady rhythm against a metal surface* 

I just want to sit and not… not be angry.  Or scared.  I want to learn how to make things other than soup to eat.  I want to learn who I am without hiding behind my walls.  Without hiding at the bottom of a bottle of Alderaanian wine.  I want to draw things other than my nightmares. 

I want to know why Saeren loved me.  How he determined I was the one he wanted to love, even though I was pushing him away even as he pushed forward.

And I want to know if what I felt - feel - for him was love, real love, or the relief that someone did love me for once, no matter what kind of love it was.

I want to know this.

No.

I need to know this.

*She takes a deep breath, graphite scratching almost frantically as her voice cracks.*

I’m broken.  I’m no good.  And things are happening and I want to put my walls back up and curl behind them and hide and be alone because I don’t want to deal with what I’m feeling and with what I’m hearing.

I mean… fuck.

Jerhal told me he loved me.

*The graphite crack-snaps and she chokes out a short, strangled, almost hysteric laugh.*

What do I say to that?

I can’t deal with this.  

I can’t deal with how remembering the words makes my heart catch in my throat even now.  

I can’t deal with how I wake up from reliving the look on Saeren’s face as he shielded me from the explosion, only to slip into the memory of Jerhal’s hands on the small of my back while his mouth was on my throat.

I can’t deal with this feeling of falling again when I can’t remember the last time I was on solid ground.

I just…

I can’t.

*She falls silent, the thrum of the engine once again filling the feed like some sort of ancient song whispered through the room.  When she speaks again, her voice is sad, yet determined.*

I have never wanted to run away more than I do right now.

And I can’t.

Saeren told me to be selfish.  To think of myself.

I hope never remembers that.

AUDIO FEED ENDED!  DELETE RECORDING? Y/N

i discovered a new holochat venue last night.  im much better on those sorts of things than in person.  less intimate.  i can control what i say.  and people aren’t looking at me.

of course, the first thing i see is that akkhole rayza talking shit.  some kid named veebo or something.  i wonder if it was that zabrak rythe met.  rayza was sure acting like it was, trying to be better than everyone.  then fucking rythe chimed in and tried to act like nothing was happening.

they are both such bastards.  i hope they rot.

i had to change my forum handle.  i just used my real name, but those shits would have started in on me and i wouldn’t be able to control my tongue if they had.  if i’m going to focus on work, i can’t have my temper on a chat forum be the first thing people hear about me.

speaking of work: i have an interview tomorrow for that bodyguard position.  and if possible, a preliminary interview today.  it seems the employer is familiar with rayza.  i don’t think i could stand it if i had to see his smirking face every day.  i’d end up shooting him. 

i’m headed to belsavis to track down an escaped prisoner.  left yesterday afternoon.  i don’t have to bring her back alive.  that always makes it easier.  plus, no more snow.  hopefully, i never have to go back to hoth.

i dreamed last night.  of saeren’s kiss.  it was lovely and warm, but when it broke, it wasn’t him but—

but—

why can’t i remember his name?  have i blocked that out like i blocked out what really happened?  have i forgotten it from the implants shorting out?  i could see his face; feel his lekku on my arm, but his name is gone.

i wonder if it’s a sign that he appeared in the dream like that.

a warning of sorts.

i hate you

i hate you

i hate you

you said you wanted me at your side as your friend, and then threw me away like a piece of banthaa shit stuck to the sole of your boot.

i opened myself to you, i let down my walls, and you twisted it and spit on it and made me feel like i was worth less than nothing.

for the first time in five years, i trusted someone.  for the first time in five years, i let myself believe i meant something to someone.  and history repeated itself and i was left alone and broken again.

you knew - of all people, you knew - that the one thing i fear the most.  more than sith, more than crowds, more than anything.  the one thing i fear the most is being subjected to the same fate again and again.

and yet at the first chance, you threw me to the tigers and walked.

you are no better than the twi’lek, rythe.  in fact, you are worse than he ever was.  you both lied to my face, you both spun pretty tales out of words that meant nothing to you.  but at least when he threw me away, he had the decency to keep me gone, rather than reeling me back in with false promises of a friendship that never existed in the first place.

you wanted your fucking junkie.  your spice-addled, possessive, not good enough for you junkie.  well now you have him.  and i hope you both rot.

WARNING! AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!

CONTINUE: Y/N

*The soft sound of graphite across paper is loud, as though it were right next to the recording device.  A few quick ‘hssh’ noises, as though the person holding the graphite were sketching small lines.  Then the quiet click of the graphite being set down.  And a sigh.*

We tried to have lunch again.  Late lunch.  Early dinner.  And it was going really well.  The cantina in the promenade on Nar Shaddaa was realy crowded, but I was mostly okay.  And Rythe got to chat up a zabrak guy, so I know he was enjoying himself.  

*She pauses.  A few sketching noises can be heard.*

I had to go for a walk.  I was getting too jittery in there.  And I was headed back into the cantina and Rythe came out.  And we ended up talking - sort of - with a jedi and a few smugglers.  Maybe.  I think they were smugglers.  And it wasn’t bad.  And if everyone had just gone their own way right then and Rythe went back to his ship and i went back to the fleet, it would have been perfect.

…nothing is ever perfect.

*The graphite taps a few times, then a snap-crack, as if it had been broken in two.*

Rayza showed up and ruined everything.  I hate him so much.

It’s fine if he goes out and sees other people.  Of course.  But Rythe says he’s going on a date with the zabrak he met and that fucking junkie damn near lost it.  

And Rythe went with him anyway.

I don’t care if I crossed lines saying what I said.  It was the fucking truth, dammit.  It needed to be said.  I’ll probably never see Rythe again, but if that’s what he wants…

*She sighs, then there is a vaguely derisive sniff and the scratch of graphite again.*

Weirdly enough, Saeren was there.  He heard me yelling and got there in time to see me say some really hurtful things.  I don’t care.  If he wants to be my friend, he has to take the good with the bad.

He calmed me down enough.  And some apprentice of his came by and so I left to head back to my ship.  Then I remembered that Rythe had brought us to Nar Shaddaa.  So I started to head toward the shuttles and one of the smugglers - I think his name was Sethius - caught up with me.  I was pretty sure I was about to get into a fight, but he just wanted to know if I knew where his friend went.  

Why the hell would I know that?

Saeren walked up then, and the two of them got in a conversation about some… I don’t know, some archaeology artifact.  I wasn’t really paying attention.  The smuggler tried to flatter me by saying my beauty led the two of them - Saeren and him - to make the connection.  Saeren agreed.

Whatever.

*A good 30 seconds of silence follows, filled with only the soft swoosh of the graphite across the paper.*

And Saeren and I had a drink at the cantina and then he walked me to the shuttle station and he asked if he could have a hug so I gave him one.  And then I got on the shuttle and went back to the fleet.

And that’s it.

It was almost a good day.

*She sighs again.*

I hope Rythe’s okay.

landed on zeltros early this morning. the art classes are amazing.

holoart is like nothing i’ve ever tried before.  i love it.  it’s like manipulating air into something tangible.  

i wonder if this is what using the force feels like.

it’s also very mentally intensive.  first drawing out the plans, then creating them through the program from the ground up.  i made a tree, like the ones they have on nar shaddaa, but smaller.  it was okay.  the teacher seemed to like it, at least.

it also makes me focus on only the art, unlike now, back in this little room in the back of a cantina.

i have to forget what happened yesterday with the sith.  it… it didn’t happen.  it couldn’t have happened.  he is the same man who threatened my life - who threatened rythe’s life - only a month ago.  i am so ashamed.  i never would have done any of it sober.

maker help me if rythe finds out.  he… i’ll be friendless again, if he does.

i don’t even know where he and rayza are.  i don’t particularly want to.  dinner with them tonight was awkward enough.  i didn’t want to look at rayza, with his fucking junkie bruises and that awful smirk he always gives me.  i couldn’t look at rythe.

at least the food on my plate was pretty.

everything here is pretty.

except for me.  i feel uglier inside than ever.  my stomach is in knots.  

i can’t wait for classes tomorrow.  i can totally bury myself in the work.  i can get lost in art.  

maybe they’ll never find me there.

the sith came and found me.  on hoth.  while i had his target in my sights.

he was impressed with the end result.

he also… i don’t know.  i just don’t get it any more.  he apologized - since when do siths apologize for anything? - for giving me the wrong idea. and then said he found me beautiful.

and then he told me a story about a sith who mastered both the dark and the light side of the force, lord revan, i think he said.  and one of his followers.  and that they became powerful because they learned to control their emotions, not block them. and that i should try to do the same.  because it would be healthier.  and then, just like that, he left.  i think he tracked me down in the middle of that field just to tell me that story.

i think he forgets that i’m about as force sensitive as a rock.

blocking my emotions is easier right now.  i’ll try the control thing later.  maybe.  but right now, blocking them is easier.  it takes the sting out of memories.  it takes the pain away when the what-ifs start to try and push their way back in.

it took the hurt from the slap that was rythe telling me he was bringing rayza on the zeltros trip that i asked him to go on in the first place.  i get that he wants rayza to get off the spice, but dammit.  i want to get to know my friend with my head on straight.  i don’t want to be alone on a planet like that. and now the one i want won’t be, while the one i don’t want will.

just one more disappointment.

it doesn’t matter anyway.

at least i’ll have the holoart classes.  and my sketchbooks.

i don’t need anything else.

WARNING! AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!

CONTINUE: Y/N

*The sound of snow crunching under boots and an icy wind fill the first fifteen seconds of the feed.  The bootsteps stop and there is a slight shuffling, as if the person holding the com is settling into position.  Then a woman’s soft voice comes through: quiet, shaky.  Choking back tears.*

I got to Hoth.  I found my target’s trail.

And Rythe called on the comm.  Near tears.

Rayza.

*Her voice turn turns into an audible sneer.*

Rayza.

*A few moments of silence, punctuated by a quiet sniff.*

And I still went anyway.

Rythe is my only friend.  I just got him back.  What was I supposed to do, just abandon him when he needed me?

Fucking Rayza.  He was high on glitterstim.  Collapsed.  I scrubbed that junkie’s vomit from the deck while Rythe tried to get him back from the edge of oblivion.  And succeeded.

He’s in love with him.  There is nothing i can do but watch.  Rayza told Rythe he loves him, too.  Great.  Just what everyone needs, the love of a spice-shooting junkie.

*A heavy silence.  Only the wind can be heard whistling through the background.  Then an almost defeated-sounding sigh.*

It doesn’t matter anyway.  If he makes Rythe happy, that’s all that matters.  Even junkies need someone to love, I guess.

*More silence, then the sound of a blaster barrel changing out.  Those with remarkable hearing might hear a few quiet sniffs.*

Love is for the weak, anyway.

Maybe I thought I needed it when I was younger.  Falling for a liar who manipulated the world around him to suit his needs, throwing the ones who he no longer needed away like old smoke ends.

I was just so desperate for someone.  Anyone.

I was weak.

I’m not weak now.

*a quiet sniff*

I don’t need someone in my life.

I don’t need anyone.

I’m strong now.

I’m fine alone.

i ruined everything. everything fell apart.  i was trying so hard.  i thought i was doing better.  

rythe called me on my comm.  asked me come over and help him figure out a gift for harith, who is rayza’s supervisor or something.  he’s a hunter.  he shouldn’t have supervisors.

i’m not really in a place to say anything about that.

i tried to come up with ideas.  then he told me rayza was back.  i tried to be happy.  i said i’d step back so he could spend that stupid holiday with rayza.  i know that rayza comes first for him.

and i did something wrong, or said something wrong, and that was it.  he said he needed me to go away.  that i was too depressing and he needed me to go away.

so i went away.

and the sith was waiting for me.  like he -knew-.  followed me right into my ship like he owned the damn thing.  at least he didn’t have that horrible interrodroid.  and i tried to pull myself together and then i remembered i left my sketchpad on rythe’s ship and i just started sobbing right there at my desk.

then the sith put his hand on my shoulder.  comfortingly.  that… i wasn’t expecting that.  and i don’t know what happened, but i found myself opening up.  i told him i was in love with rythe.  then i told him how i was scared of him.  i told him how i might have just lost the only person in the galaxy who cared if i was still breathing.  and he told me i was wrong.

and he talked to me.  and listened to me.

i knocked over some of my notebooks, sent sketches everywhere.  he used the force to help pick them up.  he saw the one i drew of him then, with heavy blacks and shadows like in my nightmares.  he asked if he could have it.

of course i let him have the stupid sketch.  it’s in my head every night.

then just like that, it was back to business. he gave me information about some jobs he wanted done and was gone and i was alone again, the only sounds the life support system on the ship and my heart pounding in my chest.  and i was breathing easier, even as i was wishing that he didn’t go away.

was sitting on my ship, in orbit around dromund kaas, when my comm went off.

it was rythe.  wanted to know if i wanted to have dinner.

we’ve been trying to have dinner for ages.  things or people keep interrupting.  of course i wanted to have dinner.  i was practically in hyperdrive before the call ended.  we met up in the cantina.  he looked amazing.  he always looks amazing.  i looked like the back end of a banthaa, i’m sure.  he said i looked wonderful.

we talked a bit, then another agent came up to chat. talked about opera - i found a collection of sith opera at a trader’s stall on tatooine that i gave rythe a bit ago, he loved it!  cost every last credit i had on me, even after bartering down, but totally worth seeing the smile on his face.  the other agent gave us chocolates he made himself.  they were so good.

then the sith came by.  i hate him.  he scares me so much, and he always has that interrogation droid with him. i hate it too.  i hate that i got tangled up with him, i hate everything about that entire situation.  i hate that i no longer have a say in the matter.  i hate that one wrong step by me puts rythe in danger.

that sort of put a damper on the cantina, so we went back to rythe’s ship.  ate leftovers and talked.  he’s so miserable.  rayza fucking off to wherever and not even contacting him is breaking his heart, even though he tries to act so stoic.  he deserves so much better.  he deserves someone who loves him as much as he loves them, not some oversized ass who disappears and leaves no trace and doesn’t even care enough to let him know he was okay.

i wish i was a boy.  i could be that someone.  but i’m not a boy.

and the worst part is, he knows how i feel.

and he knows i’m trying.  he knows i know that all i can be is his friend, and dammit, i’ll be the best damn friend the galaxy has known.  its just a lot harder to force yourself out of love than it is to find yourself in it.  and he knows how hard i’m trying.  and he gave me a hug.  

i wish it never ended.

i finished a drawing i was doing of him.  i was finally able to see the tattoos on his scalp to get them right.  something was wrong with the eyes still, but rythe took it and said it was perfect and put it in a frame in his room.  that almost made me cry.  no one’s ever done that before.

then he asked me about that stupid fake holiday next week, and asked me if i wanted to spend it with him.  um.  of course.  we’re going to eat leftovers and watch holodramas all night.  i was probably going to do that anyway, but it’ll be so much better with him.

ended up at the promenade on nar shaddaa, looking up at the holographic branches of the trees.  so many memories under those trees.  they used to be happy.

went back to rythe’s ship to head back to the fleet.  fell asleep on the bed in the med bay.  i wouldn’t dare ask to sleep on his.  but still.  his ship is so much bigger than mine, but just knowing he’s a few rooms over?  i feel safer.  more secure.

less alone.