i’m so scared. i don’t know what to do.
everything… i’ve done everything all wrong.
and now there’s more trouble and it’s all my fault.
the sith. he found out about jerhal. we hadn’t done anything, but he took it as a personal affront. of course he found out. i forgot about that stupid tail he has on me. i got complacent and forgot and that stupid tail reported back and the sith and his partner found me in the cantina when i was there with rythe and his new friends and took me aside and told me to stop seeing him. when i told them it was nothing, he told me that i must bring him back any intel i could find out about republic troop movement or actions from jerhal.
and i agreed.
and then told jerhal never to tell me anything that could have anything remotely construed from it. ever.
and i can’t tell rythe any of this. he’s told me again that i was too depressing, and i think he just wants me to go away. and we were talking and saeren came and…
they’re happy together, i think. but he remembers everything. every last thing i said. so i need to stay the fuck away so they can stay happy and i don’t ruin everything there, as well.
and a few days ago i made a decision. before any of this. jerhal introduced me to his sister and she was cooly accepting and then jerhal and i went back to his ship and i didn’t leave until the next afternoon. and it was amazing and perfect and for about a day and a half i didn’t have nightmares and i was able to draw and paint and everything was crystal clear and wonderful.
and i finished a project i’d been working on for the sith that i’d started when i was working on his mural. and it turned out far better than i expected. and i bound all of the sketches up in a single book and when he commed me last night i thought he had a job for me so i took it with me.
and instead everything went wrong, so wrong.
so, so wrong.
he told me i was throwing everything he ever gave me in his face. that he considered me a member of the sith empire and my actions were tantamount to treason. and i reminded him i had sworn no oath to no one. and he gave me three choices.
1 - leave jerhal to prove my loyalty to the empire and to him.
2 - stay with jerhal and get information, as he originally requested, and do nothing as he systematically executes all of jerhal’s friends and family but me. so i would always remember it was my fault.
3 - do nothing, stay as i was, and watch as he executes jerhal before doing the same to me.
i can’t remember what happened after that, exactly. i don’t remember what i said. i have a very strong feeling that i’m incredibly lucky to be alive right now. i remember him saying i had one week. one week to provide him with accurate intel about the republic which he could act on, or else i would see the end of his leniency.
and as he went back on his ship, i threw the notebook at him. i don’t even know if it made it to the gangplank.
i don’t care.
i hate him. i hate them all. i’ve half a mind to comm that asshole who ratted me out in the first place and put a blaster bolt between his eyes. but i wouldn’t get the draw on him, and even if i did the sith would come after me.
all i could think to do was call jerhal. to warn him. to tell him to stay away, to get as far away from me as he could. so he could survive. and instead he came and found me and put me on his ship and took me deep into republic space. and he told me he loved me and everything would be okay. that he’d keep me safe.
and before i knew what was happening my mouth opened and i said i loved him and it wasn’t a lie.
but he’s only one man.
and he’s leaving in two weeks.
and the sith is so strong.
i have nowhere to go.
and it’s all i can do to not panic.