i can’t do it.
i thought it would be okay. i love saeren. i love rythe. the three of us together should be okay.
but i can’t do it. i can’t.
and for him to say that i needed it. that i didn’t know my own wants. again. that i didn’t know how to deal with my own life. again. he doesn’t know me at all. he can see my absolute most secret feelings in my aura, but he doesn’t know me.
maker, i love him so much. but i can’t. if it was just one time, it’d be okay. but it wouldn’t be. it would be forever. every time. always.
rythe and i tried to talk about it last night, and saeren showed up. i couldn’t. right then i just couldn’t. i lied, i ran, i said i had a hunt i needed to go on and that i’d talk to him later.
i went to voss. i went to the cantina to drink. and think. and i ran into sergeant jerhal. he could tell i was upset, but i just told him i was fine. and then that horrible sith borus showed up and jerhal stepped in, stepped right up next to me and matched him word for word until borus left.
and i almost started crying right there in the middle of the cantina. everything just hit me at once. jerhal grabbed my beer and walked me out and we ended up sitting and talking and i told him everything.
and he got mad, almost. said what saeren was doing was tantamount to emotional abuse. and he told me to leave, that i deserved better. i told him exactly what i told saeren when we met. i’m tired of running.
he looked right at me and called bullshit. he said that i was running in a thousand different directions and from a thousand different things and had no idea where to go; that i was lying to myself in so many ways and in so many places that there was absolutely no way i could tell what was or wasn’t the truth any more.
and that it wasn’t about just loyalty or disloyalty or love or running. that it was about standing up for myself, and for what i wanted - not anyone else. and i hated hearing it. because he was right.
and i looked up to say something and he kissed me. i could feel every word and every emotion behind his actions, without the benefit of being able to see my aura to point him in one direction or another. there was nothing malicious. he wasn’t trying to use my misery to get another notch on his bedpost. he was trying to make me realize i didn’t have to settle if i was going to be unhappy.
and i kissed him back. i know i shouldn’t have, but i did.
and it’s done now. so whatever.
i left after that.
saeren comm’ed me while i was headed to my ship. he knows he screwed up and was all apologies and placating words. i told him i loved him and that i’d comm him tomorrow. today, now. i didn’t though. i had to think. i sat on my ship and drew and drank wine and thought and thought.
then i went to balmorra. i wanted to check on harith and have some tea with tybel, but i didn’t even get as far as the base. tybel and the baby were at the spaceport, and i found myself pouring my heart to him while the baby napped.
and he echoed jerhal’s words.
he said that the way saeren was acting was abusive. manipulative.
and then he said that ultimately, i know what’s best for me.
and he’s right.
they’re both right.
i knew from the beginning, from the very first time i met him, that he was sith. that should have warned me, should have warded me.
i locked myself away from everyone for five years. saeren took me out of one cage, but it feel like all he’s doing is grooming me for another. he says he wanted me and only me, but that… it’s still a lie. words don’t mean anything when you turn around and do the opposite in front of my face.
it’s not running away this time.
its standing up for myself.
and no matter what happens, no one wins.
i love him. i love him so much. but i need to love myself more.
for once, i need to love myself more.
and i’m sure i’ll be perfectly unhappy.