Ty'nea's Journal

he’s back.  jerhal is back.

vyen’a told me last night that they - she and lieutenant teral - had known for a week.  but they wanted me to be surprised.  and i was.  i was.

and it was the best surprise ever.

even though i was moved into my flat, vyen’a told me to come with her to corellia.  she said she’d need some help with this shipment she was picking up.  which was strange, but sometimes things get sticky so i didn’t bother asking.  and she left me to set up the cargo bay like she needed and went to organize the paperwork, and then she commed me and asked for me to go to the hangar to make sure everything was starting to move.  and that made sense, because the last few shipments she’s taken have just dragged and dragged.  so i downloaded the manifest from her display and went to the hangar but i couldn’t find it, and when i looked to doublecheck…

jerhal came up behind me. and put his arms around me.  and it was perfect.  it was wonderful.  he’s home.  he came back.  he’s alive and in one piece and and and…

lieutenant teral gave him a few days rest before putting him back on the line.  he’s so nice.  vyen’a and he are good together.  but since jerhal had a few days off, he climbed right back on a transport and we went back to carrick and he got to see my flat.  and we curled on my chair with my blanket and counted the stars again.

and just the bliss of being there, with him?

it was perfect.  

he wants to marry me.  he wants to have a family with me.  and that’s perfect.  it really is.  my headaches are still there, and he’s going to help me find out what’s wrong, why they’re still so bad.

and my drawings aren’t as shaky as they were.  and i might… 

i’ve been thinking about it for a while.  i might go to one of the fight nights that viper and vysht organizes; if jerhal will go with me.  no one will know me, probably.  and i won’t fight.  just watch.

i haven’t really wanted to go back since that night.  but i feel stronger now.  stronger than i have in a really, really long time.

i feel like me.

i’m living alone again.

vyen’a was making runs to corellia.  super dangerous, considering all the fighting there.  so she and i searched out a little flat for me on carrick.

it’s tiny.  it’s quiet.  it’s near a security station and she paid to set up a few extra security measures, just so i could feel safer.  vyen’a paid for the whole thing.  i told her i’d pay her back and do work on her ship and slicing for her and she laughed it off and waved her hand and said no, that her brother loved me and that it was worth it.

and then she gave me a huge stack of really good quality sketchpads and brand new graphites and some lovely smeary color sticks and a secure comm that i could use, it goes right to her ship and will alert her if anything happens so she can call security and make sure i’m okay.

and it’s terrifying.  but i do feel safer.  and this is my space.  all mine.

i didn’t think i would have that again.

the nightmares are still there most nights, but they’re not as bad as they were.  and some nights i don’t even dream now.  that’s nice.

it’s like when jerhal called, everything was made better.  the haze that had sort of been hanging over me since i was yanked out of the sith’s grasp has started to lift.  

i’ve been drawing more.  good things, not my nightmares.  the pond on carrick, the people i see.  i’m working on a piece for both master ihlrath and lieutenant teral, as thank yous.  i can go for walks without my heart feeling like it’s going to leap out of my chest; without looking over my shoulder every ten steps for someone coming after me.

i keep taking all these tiny steps forward.  and for once, finally, it feels like they’re moving me in the right direction.

maybe i will be okay after all.

I sort of like it here on Vyen’a’s ship.  I miss my own, but here is nice.  It’s mostly quiet.  She just sort of lets me do my own thing.  She took someone else in, too,  but she didn’t talk much; just went out and came back and cried.  I guess her boyfriend got taken captive by Sith during a battle or a skirmish or a run in or something on Voss. 

I know what that’s like.  

I didn’t tell her.

They got him back, though.  And I haven’t seen much of her since then.  I guess she’s staying with him.  That makes sense.  I would, in her place.

But then I guess Vyen’a got grabbed on Nar Shaddaa.  That was scary.  Lieutenant Teral… I could hear him crying one night, while they were trying to find her.  Just sobbing like his heart was breaking.  I guess they got into a fight right before she got grabbed; I heard Vyen’a talking about it with that big Zabrak that doesn’t like me.  Or didn’t.  Or something.  

They got her back too.  He - the Zabrak - was part of the group that brought her home.  And when he left the next day after he was sure she was okay, he ran into me on the way out and apologized for being a jerk.  He’s pretty nice, actually.  A full foot taller than me, which is a bit disconcerting, but nice.  And I guess Vyen’a and the Lieutenant aren’t doing too good now, after what happened.  I don’t want to push for details, though.

Vyen’a brought me some really lovely sketching graphites from Corellia when she and the Lieutenant went there.  Ludwik found my ship - security worked really well - and brought me all of my sketch books.  He said my ship looked too clean, like someone had snooped around and picked up after themselves too well.  But I have my books, and my holos.  And Jerhal’s letter that he wrote me before he left.

It was that last part I wanted the most.

I’ve mostly been sketching.  And sleeping.  and singing.  For being a corner of a cargo bay, my little room has really good acoustics.  I’ve also been working on slicing for Vyen’a and doing some rewiring of a huge ship the 7th’s gotten a hold of.  It gets me out, sort of, and people can see that I’m not going back on my word.  I had a nice talk with the Jedi attachment from the 7th - Master Jovh, I think? - and he’s really nice.  Was interested in what happened with the Sith, but I still don’t remember much of anything about it.  He didn’t press too hard; I guess he could tell I wasn’t lying.

My headaches are still really bad.  I don’t know why they’ve started acting up again, and they’re in this new spot, right under the little scars from the implants.  I’ve never had pain there before everything happened.

But overall, I’m keeping okay.  I want to write Rythe, even though I know he’ll just throw everything away unread.  I want to go visit Tybel and play with Valo and even be creeped on by Watcher 13 (well, maybe not that last one), but I know that’d be a death sentence the moment I stepped on Alderaan.

So I’ll stay here.  Safe.

Only two more months, I think.

i didn’t have nightmares last night.

i didn’t sleep great, but i didn’t have nightmares.

that’s a good sign, i think.

i’ve been mostly left to my own devices on vyen’a’s ship.  she doesn’t like me much, but we had a long talk a few days after everything happened and we came to a tentative understanding.  and she’s letting me stay here until jerhal comes back and we can figure out where i’ll go then.

she even brought me some blank sketchbooks. a peace offering, maybe; i know jerhal told her i drew.  she said she’d like to see some of them sometime.  i would too; all my sketchbooks, all my everything was on my ship when they grabbed me off nar shaddaa.  i don’t even know where my ship is; if it sold or if it’s still sitting in the hangar; if my upgraded security could withstand the dock rats that can strip a fully loaded X-5 Mantis to its studs in under an hour.

i wonder if ludwik could check on it for me.

i don’t have my comm any more.  i want to talk to people - rythe, tybel - let them know i’m alive, i’m okay, even if, like rythe, they don’t care.  and i need to find the people that were there, that helped me, that saved me.  i need to thank them.  personally.  i need to show them that it wasn’t for nothing, that i wasn’t just some faceless body that disappeared into space the second she got her feet back under her.

i’ll never be able to repay any of them.

first, though, i need to draw.  my headaches are still here, still under my scars.  i think my implants are finally giving out but i don’t think there’s a way to remove them without damaging my memory more so than it already is.  i’m alone for a few days; keeping an eye on vyen’a’s ship while she and lieutenant teral visit his family on corellia.

knowing the planet i’m docked over makes me miss jerhal even more.  i know that down there somewhere is his family: his brother, his father, his mother.  and even though i know his brother’s the only one that matters to him, i want to meet them, to see the people that made him who he is.

maybe when he comes back, we can come here, too.

soon.

((ty’nea’s on a slight rest right now; hence the lack of entries.  the utter intensity of the few months prior RP-wise, plus RL stuff - summer with a two year old is grand, and i’m gainfully employed again for the first time in almost three years - has made me scale back RP immensely.  the only RP i’m even remotely focusing on right now is vyen’a, and she’s rather fluffy (when not getting shot or shot at) and my game-time has been focused on leveling her to 50.))

i went to a wedding in voss-ka on friday.

harith and tybel.  

they were beautiful.  is it strange to call two men beautiful?  even if it is, it fits.  they were both so happy and so in love and everything was perfect for them.  even rayza was nice to me there.  

i couldn’t find frames to fit.  but i drew portraits for their present.  one of each of them in profile, and then one of them together.  i hope they liked them.  they acted like they did, at least.

and rayza…

he was actually really nice.  for real, not even fake-nice.  and he gave them a holoart piece of them.  it was amazing; i know i couldn’t ever do a piece quite that well; i’m still stuck on trees.

if things were different, i’d talk with him about it.  learn his techniques.  maybe work with him on a piece.  

but they’re not.

after the wedding, i went to the cantina there.  just to think.  a nice solider came to talk to me - i think he may have been flirting with me.  i never know when someone is or isn’t, really.  and then jerhal came in.  he didn’t recognize me at first; my hair was up and i was in a dress.  but when he did… he smiled.  he has the best smile.  i guess the soldier was one of the men of the 7th.

he introduced me to another soldier - i think his name is greysen.  we were talking at the bar and it was actually a good time. i was relaxing and…

and…

the sith.  my horrible tail commed my location, and who i was with.  and the sith walked in.  it was so bad.  and then his partner came in and it got worse.  and i don’t remember what all was said, all i remember is standing between jerhal and the sith.  and he and greysen told me to move.  told me to just walk away.

but i knew, then.

i can’t walk away.  i can’t just… go.  he’ll never let me go.

i made a deal.  jerhal got so mad, but i made a deal.  he would cancel what i had to do for him if i agreed to meet him in private at a time to be determined.  and i did and jerhal walked out but the sith’s partner…

she barked after him. like he was some sort of dog.  and jerhal got so mad.  i had to beg him to just… not.  to just walk away. and he did.

i don’t think he understands, still.  i know he thinks he understands why.  but there’s so much more to it.

i can’t have his blood on my hands, too.

we met back up later.  he understands why i’m so scared, now.  he is, too.  he took me back to where the 7th has their base and introduced me to his commanding officer.  i don’t think he likes me.

if i were him, i wouldn’t either.  i’ve put all of them in danger, and i never meant to.  ever.

jerhal’s offered to get me help.  real  help.  jedi assistance, political asylum sort of help.

if i did that, i’d never be safe.  i’m already not safe, but i’ll never be safe.

and i’d never see rythe again.

he’s my best friend.  for so long, he was my only friend.

i don’t know what to do.

and jerhal leaves in a week.

i’m so scared.  i don’t know what to do.  

everything… i’ve done everything all wrong.

and now there’s more trouble and it’s all my fault.

the sith.  he found out about jerhal.  we hadn’t done anything, but he took it as a personal affront.  of course he found out.  i forgot about that stupid tail he has on me.  i got complacent and forgot and that stupid tail reported back and the sith and his partner found me in the cantina when i was there with rythe and his new friends and took me aside and told me to stop seeing him.  when i told them it was nothing, he told me that i must bring him back any intel i could find out about republic troop movement or actions from jerhal.

and i agreed.

and then told jerhal never to tell me anything that could have anything remotely construed from it.  ever.

and i can’t tell rythe any of this.  he’s told me again that i was too depressing, and i think he just wants me to go away.  and we were talking and saeren came and…

and…

they’re happy together, i think.  but he remembers everything.  every last thing i said.  so i need to stay the fuck away so they can stay happy and i don’t ruin everything there, as well.

and a few days ago i made a decision.  before any of this.  jerhal introduced me to his sister and she was cooly accepting and then jerhal and i went back to his ship and i didn’t leave until the next afternoon.  and it was amazing and perfect and for about a day and a half i didn’t have nightmares and i was able to draw and paint and everything was crystal clear and wonderful.

and i finished a project i’d been working on for the sith that i’d started when i was working on his mural.  and it turned out far better than i expected.  and i bound all of the sketches up in a single book and when he commed me last night i thought he had a job for me so i took it with me.

and instead everything went wrong, so wrong.

so, so wrong.

he told me i was throwing everything he ever gave me in his face.  that he considered me a member of the sith empire and my actions were tantamount to treason.  and i reminded him i had sworn no oath to no one.  and he gave me three choices.

1 - leave jerhal to prove my loyalty to the empire and to him.  

2 - stay with jerhal and get information, as he originally requested, and do nothing as he systematically executes all of jerhal’s friends and family but me.  so i would always remember it was my fault.

3 - do nothing, stay as i was, and watch as he executes jerhal before doing the same to me.

i can’t remember what happened after that, exactly.  i don’t remember what i said. i have a very strong feeling that i’m incredibly lucky to be alive right now.  i remember him saying i had one week.  one week to provide him with accurate intel about the republic which he could act on, or else i would see the end of his leniency. 

and as he went back on his ship, i threw the notebook at him.  i don’t even know if it made it to the gangplank.

i don’t care.  

i hate him.  i hate them all.  i’ve half a mind to comm that asshole who ratted me out in the first place and put a blaster bolt between his eyes.  but i wouldn’t get the draw on him, and even if i did the sith would come after me.

all i could think to do was call jerhal.  to warn him.  to tell him to stay away, to get as far away from me as he could.  so he could survive.  and instead he came and found me and put me on his ship and took me deep into republic space.  and he told me he loved me and everything would be okay.  that he’d keep me safe.

and before i knew what was happening my mouth opened and i said i loved him and it wasn’t a lie.

but he’s only one man.

and he’s leaving in two weeks.

and the sith is so strong.

i have nowhere to go.

and it’s all i can do to not panic.

i’ve been so busy.  i haven’t had time to write.

so much has happened.

rythe and i are having tea almost every morning.  i’m really worried about him.  he’s even more withdrawn and closed off than ever.  and he really misses rayza.  i know rayza hates me, but i wonder if i can talk to him.  maybe.

that’s probably not a good idea.  

we got harith back.  alive, thank the maker.  i called in a favor from an old acquaintance from my heavy street fighting days.  ludwik came through with a shitton of sliced data, and one of the things managed to help us pinpoint exactly where he was.  that was such a scary experience though.  and tybel… poor tybel.  he’s beside himself.  because of harith.

and the baby.

there’s a baby.

tybel and i had to go to coruscant.  when rhibai died, he gave tybel a datachip with his apartment address.  tybel and i were the only ones who could move through coruscant without getting way too much attention.  and there was a little miraluka baby with a droid caregiver in his apartment.

a little baby.  maybe one year old.  maybe.  and i held him and he curled against my chest and fell asleep and he smelled so sweet and his little face was so trusting once he calmed down and and and…

i never liked babies or wanted one but just holding him like that made me want one.  but that can’t happen.  not now.  maybe not ever.  so it’s okay.

and saeren and i are okay.  more than okay.  i love him and he loves me and when he holds me and kisses me and takes me i feel so amazingly safe and protected.  he wants to train me against force users, so i’ll be able to protect myself in case tybel and i are ambushed by a sene seeker when we’re out.

and i’m almost done with rythe’s mural of alderaan.  i’m really proud of how it’s turning out; i think it’s even better than the one of korriban.  i hope he likes it.

i feel like i’m forgetting things.

i probably am.

:::ADDENDUM:::

i remembered what i forgot.  i got into a fistfight with some rep soldier last night and almost got arrested.  i was on voss.  it was one of the jerks that sergeant jerhal (the one who saved me from borus) has command over.  he (the soldier, not jerhal) had singled me out a few weeks ago, too, just for a random stop.  what an asshole.  it’s not like he has any say on voss, either.

good thing it wasn’t any other planet.  i would have kicked his ass from here until next week and probably shot him for good measure.  i already was beating the shit out of him when jerhal pulled me off of him.

he started it.

yesterday…

yesterday i was scared.  and yesterday i was brave.

i talked to tybel.  not about work.  about saeren.  i wanted some insight on miraluka, since i don’t really know much.  and he’s so happy with harith, so i thought i’d ask him about love, too.

he’s so nice.

i wanted to get saeren a gift, but i wanted it to be something special, not just some thing you can buy at some cheap shop on the cantina or nar shaddaa.

tybel suggested finding some nice soft cloth for a covering for his eyes.  i guess seeing a miraluka without the eye covering is an incredibly intimate thing, and an eye covering made by someone they care for is an important gift.

so i did.

i took an old shirt and made sure the edges were sewn down well and painted it.  i didn’t really know what to paint, so i just did an abstract blue and green and grey swirly thing.  i thought it was pretty.  peaceful.

i was working on the alderaan mural for rythe when saeren comm’ed.  he’d just made it back to the fleet from corellia and got dinner for both of us.  i met him on his ship and we curled up with the food, but never ate.  we got to talking.  i gave him his new eye covering.  the look on his face…

i thought he hated it.  but he loved it.  he said it was perfect, and was the perfect gift i could have given him.

i had an idea.   i realized that he’s seen my aura, and what i project, but he wasn’t able to see me.  but then i remembered how he was able to see my drawings by focusing the force, so i suggested it to him.  so he could see the actual me.  i sat on his lap and…

he said i was beautiful.  he said he didn’t think someone’s physical form could match their aura so perfectly.

and he let me see his eyes.  without the cloth.  i kissed the sockets and stroked his cheek and i knew.  right then, i knew.

later, curled up in each other’s arms, i found the courage.  i know what happened five years ago.  but i can’t let it control me any more.  i can’t keep walled off forever.

and i don’t want to any more.

so i told him.

i love him.

i need to go back to belsavis today.  i don’t want to.  i want to stay here and paint and be safe and happy.

i’m happy.

so much has changed.

twenty hours.

i was ready to just shut myself off completely.  i was ready to put all my walls back up faster than ever.  i was ready to push saeren away no matter what the datachip recording said.

no matter what it made me think.  

no matter how much it made me remember his kiss, the touch of his hand on my cheek,  his smile.  no matter how much it made me realize i had made the wrong choice the other night.

but i had to.  for everything we’ve been through, rythe is my best friend.  more than that, he’s the closest thing to family i have.  i couldn’t be with saeren if rythe hated him.

so twenty hours ago, i was ready to shut myself away.

this morning, i went to rythe and vii’bo’s.  i was tired.  i had spent all night drawing and painting and trying to put my walls back up.  rythe greeted me with a cup of caf and a smile and the words he didn’t want to say and i didn’t think i’d hear.

“I think he’s good for you.”

the lunch with them is a blur.  the three of us came back to my ship.  i think i made soup - i’m missing a pot, so that would make sense.  they left and i started painting again, just to calm my nerves.   i would comm saeren, i said, when i calmed down.

i didn’t get the chance to calm down.

he came by to apologize for having me watch the feed.  the stupid droid let him in; i didn’t even know it was him until i turned around and saw him standing there in the doorway.

and i knew what he had to do.

he started to apologize.  i told him the feed was corrupted, but that i got the gist of the idea.  and i asked him point blank.

“You love me?”

and he answered instantly.

“I’m falling in love with you.”

and i knew what i had to do.  i had to.  i had no other choice.  rythe may have managed to push down most of my walls, but saeren made me want to leave them crumbled around my feet.  he may be sith, but he’s like no man i’ve ever met before.  

so i kissed him. 

and kissed him.

and kissed him.

he shared sight with me again.  his aura glowed so brightly, and it was so different than before, and that little vine was still there, reaching out toward me.

and this time i could see mine reaching back.

we didn’t do anything but kiss, and then curl up and sleep.  he looked exhausted.  i was exhausted.

and it was twenty hours ago that he asked me to help him with his injuries.

WARNING!  AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!

CONTINUE? Y/N

*The quiet whisper of wind rustles leaves in the background, punctuated by birdsong for the first few moments of the feed.  It is broken by a soft sigh.*

The Sith came back.  I delivered his mural, along with the concept drawings I had bound up special and a small holoart tree as a thank you for the classes, to his ship.  He said the mural exceeded his expectations.

And then he asked me about my “actions” while he was gone.  But he already knew most of them.  He didn’t chastise this time.  Merely listened.

He’ll have more work for me later.  Art and hunting both.

*A small sniff, then another sigh, wind still whispering in the background.*

Last night, Rythe called me and asked me to come over for tea.  Rather late, but I didn’t mind.  We sat and talked and ate brownies that were supposed to be for Harith.  He told me about Viibo.   He seems happy.  Well, sort of.  He seems stretched so thin that he might snap at any moment, but he smiled when he talked about Viibo.

We’re all having a late dinner on Saturday.

*The wind rustles leaves again, a soft whoosh against the audio input on the recording device.*

We ended up sitting outside the Thul mansion grounds on Alderaan, looking up at the sky and talking.  He gave me the best present: an old book - an actual book, not a datapad - with the most beautiful illustrations of Voss flora.  That’s why I’m here, actually.  In the middle of a field on Voss.  I wanted to see some of them for myself.

*There is a short silence, punctuated by the crackling of a dry leaf crumpling apart.*

I tried to show him the notepad with the drawings.  The same one I showed Saeren.  He refused to look.  He said he didn’t need to see it; that my word on those events were enough.

I tried to talk to him about Saeren.  I’m so confused.  I’m stuck wondering if I’ve made the right choice, keeping him at arm’s length.  Rythe wouldn’t hear it.  He said that no matter how much I try to justify it, in the end, Saeren is a Sith, and they’re all the same, no matter how much I want the opposite to be true.

And in the end I know he’s right.  When I showed Saeren the notepad, he was so angry he absolutely obliterated a shipping container that was sitting around the hangar, using the force to pick it up and slam it into the ground over and over until it was nothing but a heap of twisted durasteel.  I don’t even know if anything was in it; if there was, it was so thoroughly destroyed it didn’t even make an appearance when the dust cleared.

Just like any other Sith when upset.

*The leaf crumples a bit more.*

I made the right choice.  I don’t know why I’m second-guessing myself.  A friend is all he can ever be.

Rythe wants me to paint a mural for his ship.  There’s a huge dent in the wall next to his med bay.  He said a landscape of Alderaan.  I know the exact place; all green and silver and a waterfall and lake.

I’ll start on that today.  If Tybel doesn’t need me.

*The wind blows again; a small beep, then nothing but silence.*