Ty'nea's Journal

I sort of like it here on Vyen’a’s ship.  I miss my own, but here is nice.  It’s mostly quiet.  She just sort of lets me do my own thing.  She took someone else in, too,  but she didn’t talk much; just went out and came back and cried.  I guess her boyfriend got taken captive by Sith during a battle or a skirmish or a run in or something on Voss. 

I know what that’s like.  

I didn’t tell her.

They got him back, though.  And I haven’t seen much of her since then.  I guess she’s staying with him.  That makes sense.  I would, in her place.

But then I guess Vyen’a got grabbed on Nar Shaddaa.  That was scary.  Lieutenant Teral… I could hear him crying one night, while they were trying to find her.  Just sobbing like his heart was breaking.  I guess they got into a fight right before she got grabbed; I heard Vyen’a talking about it with that big Zabrak that doesn’t like me.  Or didn’t.  Or something.  

They got her back too.  He - the Zabrak - was part of the group that brought her home.  And when he left the next day after he was sure she was okay, he ran into me on the way out and apologized for being a jerk.  He’s pretty nice, actually.  A full foot taller than me, which is a bit disconcerting, but nice.  And I guess Vyen’a and the Lieutenant aren’t doing too good now, after what happened.  I don’t want to push for details, though.

Vyen’a brought me some really lovely sketching graphites from Corellia when she and the Lieutenant went there.  Ludwik found my ship - security worked really well - and brought me all of my sketch books.  He said my ship looked too clean, like someone had snooped around and picked up after themselves too well.  But I have my books, and my holos.  And Jerhal’s letter that he wrote me before he left.

It was that last part I wanted the most.

I’ve mostly been sketching.  And sleeping.  and singing.  For being a corner of a cargo bay, my little room has really good acoustics.  I’ve also been working on slicing for Vyen’a and doing some rewiring of a huge ship the 7th’s gotten a hold of.  It gets me out, sort of, and people can see that I’m not going back on my word.  I had a nice talk with the Jedi attachment from the 7th - Master Jovh, I think? - and he’s really nice.  Was interested in what happened with the Sith, but I still don’t remember much of anything about it.  He didn’t press too hard; I guess he could tell I wasn’t lying.

My headaches are still really bad.  I don’t know why they’ve started acting up again, and they’re in this new spot, right under the little scars from the implants.  I’ve never had pain there before everything happened.

But overall, I’m keeping okay.  I want to write Rythe, even though I know he’ll just throw everything away unread.  I want to go visit Tybel and play with Valo and even be creeped on by Watcher 13 (well, maybe not that last one), but I know that’d be a death sentence the moment I stepped on Alderaan.

So I’ll stay here.  Safe.

Only two more months, I think.

i didn’t have nightmares last night.

i didn’t sleep great, but i didn’t have nightmares.

that’s a good sign, i think.

i’ve been mostly left to my own devices on vyen’a’s ship.  she doesn’t like me much, but we had a long talk a few days after everything happened and we came to a tentative understanding.  and she’s letting me stay here until jerhal comes back and we can figure out where i’ll go then.

she even brought me some blank sketchbooks. a peace offering, maybe; i know jerhal told her i drew.  she said she’d like to see some of them sometime.  i would too; all my sketchbooks, all my everything was on my ship when they grabbed me off nar shaddaa.  i don’t even know where my ship is; if it sold or if it’s still sitting in the hangar; if my upgraded security could withstand the dock rats that can strip a fully loaded X-5 Mantis to its studs in under an hour.

i wonder if ludwik could check on it for me.

i don’t have my comm any more.  i want to talk to people - rythe, tybel - let them know i’m alive, i’m okay, even if, like rythe, they don’t care.  and i need to find the people that were there, that helped me, that saved me.  i need to thank them.  personally.  i need to show them that it wasn’t for nothing, that i wasn’t just some faceless body that disappeared into space the second she got her feet back under her.

i’ll never be able to repay any of them.

first, though, i need to draw.  my headaches are still here, still under my scars.  i think my implants are finally giving out but i don’t think there’s a way to remove them without damaging my memory more so than it already is.  i’m alone for a few days; keeping an eye on vyen’a’s ship while she and lieutenant teral visit his family on corellia.

knowing the planet i’m docked over makes me miss jerhal even more.  i know that down there somewhere is his family: his brother, his father, his mother.  and even though i know his brother’s the only one that matters to him, i want to meet them, to see the people that made him who he is.

maybe when he comes back, we can come here, too.

soon.

((ty’nea’s on a slight rest right now; hence the lack of entries.  the utter intensity of the few months prior RP-wise, plus RL stuff - summer with a two year old is grand, and i’m gainfully employed again for the first time in almost three years - has made me scale back RP immensely.  the only RP i’m even remotely focusing on right now is vyen’a, and she’s rather fluffy (when not getting shot or shot at) and my game-time has been focused on leveling her to 50.))

WARNING!  AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!

CONTINUE? Y/N

*The low rumble of a ship’s idling engine is punctuated by the click-clack of armored boots pacing across a metal deck.  They slow, then stop, and a deep breath is taken.*

I finished the job for the Sith.

And I’ve made a decision. 

I’m running.

*There’s a quiet laugh, almost disbelieving.*

I have a meeting with Ludwik at noon local on Tuesday.  Up on the promenade.  Just like old times.  He’s going to help me sell my ship, then help me skip out.  Shuffling around in some cargo so my tail loses me.

And then to Corellia.

And then Naboo.

And then Coruscant.

Then to throw myself at the mercy of the Republic.  Beg for political asylum.  Lieutenant Jerax said he’d stand up for me.  I know Ludwik would, too.

*She takes a deep, shaky breath; a chair scrapes across metal and the familiar crunch-clink of an armored body sitting down filters through the recording.*

If I don’t go now, I won’t be able to.  Ever.  I’ll be trapped here, and Jerhal will be on the other side.

I met with Tybel, finally.  I got to say goodbye.

He understood.  I knew he would.  He gave me a hug and told me to be careful.  He didn’t understand why at first.  But then I showed him the sketchbook.

He understands now.

And Watcher 13 commed me, asked if I wanted to go for drinks, but it ended bad, so bad, with blasters drawn against Jedi.  And then friends of Jerhal’s were there too; I recognized them from his going away party.  The woman didn’t recognize me - there was no reason for her to, plus I was fully armored with helmet - but the man…

*She lets out a shaky sigh*

He slipped me a datastick with his comm information.  He recognized my armor.  It was Ihlrath, Jerhal’s friend.  The one who got in touch with Zentoyo to have me dance at the party.

That was risky of him.

Watcher 13 got caught up trying to get into someone’s pants - I guess that’s his usual way of operations, so he probably was trying to figure out what I looked like undressed the other day at the base - so I took that moment to leave.

And I did.

And I’m leaving forever.

I’ve said my goodbyes.

And now I just have to survive until Tuesday.

*The feed hums quietly for about thirty seconds*

Everything will change then.

Everything will be okay.

I’ll be okay.

AUDIO FEED ENDED!  DELETE RECORDING? Y/N

i went to the alderaan base a few days ago.  i need to talk to tybel.  i think it’s going to be saying goodbye.  i need to resign.

he wasn’t there.  no one was, except the agent who runs the base.  i don’t know his name.  everyone just calls him watcher 13.  he’s very intense.  there’s something about him that makes me nervous - real nervous.

it might be because the way he looked at me, it was like he was trying to figure out what i looked like under my armor.  or the way he stared when i took a drag of my cigarette.

it was…

i felt like i needed a long shower once i left.  and it was like i could feel his eyes on my throat long after i was back on my ship.

he saw the chain i have jerhal’s tags on.  he recognized it as a military something. he tried to ask questions, to get me to open up about him a little, but i wouldn’t.

i couldn’t.

i met up with ludwik last night on nar shaddaa.  he gave me some new blasters.  it’s so weird that he’s lieutenant jerax’s cousin.  that my “secret contact” was the one who walked me home after that night at the fighting ring.

he wants me to keep in contact.  he saw how scared i was.  he knows i don’t get that scared, not usually.

i haven’t heard back from the sith.  i hope he sees i’m doing his jobs and will just leave me alone; will just… just let me do this work i don’t want to do, and when this list is over…

when this list is over, i’m running.  i can change my name.  i can save up enough to change my face just enough to be not-me.  and i can just disappear into coruscant or corellia until jerhal is back and then we can just be.

i just have to finish the list first.

i just have to stay breathing.

i’ve spent the past few days trying to put my head back together.  it’s not going very well. i just want some semblance of normalcy in my life, but that won’t happen again for a very long time.

before i even talked to the sith, i went to talk to rythe.  even though he’s the one who reminded me months ago that i had no loyalty to them, that if things got bad enough i could just leave and go to the republic, he wouldn’t listen.  he threw me out.

i expected it, i guess.

i sent a courier droid back to him with the painting of the alderaan waterfall and the view from the cliff on voss that he likes and some sketches i did of him and saeren.  i was half expecting them to be sent back, too.

i sent a note to ludwik.  he… well.  he’s more than an acquaintance, less than a friend, but he was there at the fights, and after the twi’lek.  he’s the one who suggested i start hunting in the first place.  he has fewer allegiances than i do.  he may have ideas.

i still haven’t talked to tybel.  we had an appointment but there was a delay at the alderaan spaceport. by the time i got to base, he was in meetings.  i’m hoping against hope that he understands, at least a little.  he did, after all, leave the jedi order to join the empire, to be with harith…

…maybe i won’t tell him, exactly.

the sith gave me a list of names.  as though nothing had ever happened.  six targets, all republic military.  and i have to.  i have to.  i don’t want to do this any more but i don’t know what he’ll do if i don’t. so i studied up, sliced some feeds.  spent the better part of two days doing research.  meticulously. then went to ord mantell.

i arranged a meeting with lieutenant jerax in the middle of the street to make it look like a chance encounter.  so if he decided to arrest me or shoot me, that asshole tail i have would be able to report back that i failed; that i was captured.  and so if the tail now has orders to shoot me, that i wouldn’t die alone in a field somewhere.

and instead of telling me to forget jerhal, instead of arresting me - which, face it, he could had done on a hundred different charges - lieutenant jerax swore he’d protect me.  he said i had the protection of the seventh, of the marran, and of his family.  he even said he’d get jerhal’s sister to accept me more than just barely.

it was not what i expected.

he gave me some information to get in contact with his cousin.  he thinks there could be some help there for me, as well.

i don’t want to do this.  any of this.  i just want to sit and draw and make everything go away and count the days until…

but i don’t have that option any more.

i don’t know if i ever did.

he’s gone.

i watched the shuttle fly away until all that i could see was clouds and that always-present golden voss light.

he gave me his dog tags.  he wants to marry me.

so i have to survive.

tomorrow, i am going to talk to rythe.  we haven’t talked since that night when saeren came upon us arguing.  he won’t understand, and he’ll tell me i’m being an idiot and foolish, but i need to talk to him.

then i will talk to tybel.  if i keep details vague enough, he may have answers.

i’ll get in touch with ludwik.  he knows me from fighting, he knows who i was before everything bad happened.  he might be able to help.

jerhal’s sister, the pretty mirialan, wants me to contact her.

as does his lieutenant.

i can do this.

and i will contact the sith first.  he won’t have to track me down.  i won’t hide.  i won’t run.

i will not let him break me.

he will not win.

i went to a wedding in voss-ka on friday.

harith and tybel.  

they were beautiful.  is it strange to call two men beautiful?  even if it is, it fits.  they were both so happy and so in love and everything was perfect for them.  even rayza was nice to me there.  

i couldn’t find frames to fit.  but i drew portraits for their present.  one of each of them in profile, and then one of them together.  i hope they liked them.  they acted like they did, at least.

and rayza…

he was actually really nice.  for real, not even fake-nice.  and he gave them a holoart piece of them.  it was amazing; i know i couldn’t ever do a piece quite that well; i’m still stuck on trees.

if things were different, i’d talk with him about it.  learn his techniques.  maybe work with him on a piece.  

but they’re not.

after the wedding, i went to the cantina there.  just to think.  a nice solider came to talk to me - i think he may have been flirting with me.  i never know when someone is or isn’t, really.  and then jerhal came in.  he didn’t recognize me at first; my hair was up and i was in a dress.  but when he did… he smiled.  he has the best smile.  i guess the soldier was one of the men of the 7th.

he introduced me to another soldier - i think his name is greysen.  we were talking at the bar and it was actually a good time. i was relaxing and…

and…

the sith.  my horrible tail commed my location, and who i was with.  and the sith walked in.  it was so bad.  and then his partner came in and it got worse.  and i don’t remember what all was said, all i remember is standing between jerhal and the sith.  and he and greysen told me to move.  told me to just walk away.

but i knew, then.

i can’t walk away.  i can’t just… go.  he’ll never let me go.

i made a deal.  jerhal got so mad, but i made a deal.  he would cancel what i had to do for him if i agreed to meet him in private at a time to be determined.  and i did and jerhal walked out but the sith’s partner…

she barked after him. like he was some sort of dog.  and jerhal got so mad.  i had to beg him to just… not.  to just walk away. and he did.

i don’t think he understands, still.  i know he thinks he understands why.  but there’s so much more to it.

i can’t have his blood on my hands, too.

we met back up later.  he understands why i’m so scared, now.  he is, too.  he took me back to where the 7th has their base and introduced me to his commanding officer.  i don’t think he likes me.

if i were him, i wouldn’t either.  i’ve put all of them in danger, and i never meant to.  ever.

jerhal’s offered to get me help.  real  help.  jedi assistance, political asylum sort of help.

if i did that, i’d never be safe.  i’m already not safe, but i’ll never be safe.

and i’d never see rythe again.

he’s my best friend.  for so long, he was my only friend.

i don’t know what to do.

and jerhal leaves in a week.

WARNING!  AUDIO ONLY: NO TEXT READOUT!

CONTINUE? Y/N

*The familiar low thrum of a ship’s engine is punctuated by the almost frantic scratching of graphite against a slip of paper.  There is no long pause, or introspective sigh before she begins talking; rather, her voice is held to a near-monotone, as though she feared allowing it to run its natural course would betray her somehow.*

I will be working for Harith - for the benefit of Rayza, of all people - soon.  One final job.

Then I will be taking an indefinite hiatus from guarding Tybel, with Harith’s blessing.

I don’t know if, or when, I’ll go back.  To them.  Or to the Sith.

I’m tired.

*She sighs, the graphite tapping an unsteady rhythm against a metal surface* 

I just want to sit and not… not be angry.  Or scared.  I want to learn how to make things other than soup to eat.  I want to learn who I am without hiding behind my walls.  Without hiding at the bottom of a bottle of Alderaanian wine.  I want to draw things other than my nightmares. 

I want to know why Saeren loved me.  How he determined I was the one he wanted to love, even though I was pushing him away even as he pushed forward.

And I want to know if what I felt - feel - for him was love, real love, or the relief that someone did love me for once, no matter what kind of love it was.

I want to know this.

No.

I need to know this.

*She takes a deep breath, graphite scratching almost frantically as her voice cracks.*

I’m broken.  I’m no good.  And things are happening and I want to put my walls back up and curl behind them and hide and be alone because I don’t want to deal with what I’m feeling and with what I’m hearing.

I mean… fuck.

Jerhal told me he loved me.

*The graphite crack-snaps and she chokes out a short, strangled, almost hysteric laugh.*

What do I say to that?

I can’t deal with this.  

I can’t deal with how remembering the words makes my heart catch in my throat even now.  

I can’t deal with how I wake up from reliving the look on Saeren’s face as he shielded me from the explosion, only to slip into the memory of Jerhal’s hands on the small of my back while his mouth was on my throat.

I can’t deal with this feeling of falling again when I can’t remember the last time I was on solid ground.

I just…

I can’t.

*She falls silent, the thrum of the engine once again filling the feed like some sort of ancient song whispered through the room.  When she speaks again, her voice is sad, yet determined.*

I have never wanted to run away more than I do right now.

And I can’t.

Saeren told me to be selfish.  To think of myself.

I hope never remembers that.

AUDIO FEED ENDED!  DELETE RECORDING? Y/N

i’m not sure how i made it back to my ship.  but i did.

i’m not sure how i made that last voice recording.  but i did.

i’m not sure how i made it upstairs to my quarters.  but i did.

i’m not sure how i undressed and crawled into bed.  but i did.

i’m not sure how i slept completely still for nineteen hours. but i did.

the shock is mostly wearing off.

i spoke with rythe.  he’s taken over medical supervision of saeren.  he didn’t die.  he doesn’t remember me.  at least, not who i was.  who we were.  he remembers my name.

it’s better that way.

rythe loves him.  he’s taking care of him, not only as a medic, but as a partner.  they need each other right now.

saeren was right about that, at least.

the sith found me.  before i spoke with rythe.  when i still thought saeren was dead.  he’s granted me as much time as i need to put my head back together; he only requests that i keep in touch while i do.  he does care, in his own way.

i need to talk with tybel.  he’s undoubtedly heard about the explosion.  the base of operations had to move from balmorra to alderaan.  i need to see the new one.

i thought about taking time off from guarding for him, as well.  but… that’s not a job.  that’s…

it’s…

i’ll talk to him.

my comm was fried in the explosion.  i want to talk to jerhal again; tell him thank you again for the talk.  maybe i’ll go back to voss and see if i can find him.  

should get a new comm, too.

((yes, i know, a lot more has happened; i’m trying to stagger the posts so its not like ZOMG WALLOTEXT))

i can’t do it.

i can’t.

i thought it would be okay.  i love saeren.  i love rythe.  the three of us together should be okay.

but i can’t do it.  i can’t.

and for him to say that i needed it.  that i didn’t know my own wants.  again.  that i didn’t know how to deal with my own life.  again.  he doesn’t know me at all.  he can see my absolute most secret feelings in my aura, but he doesn’t know me.  

maker, i love him so much.  but i can’t.  if it was just one time, it’d be okay.  but it wouldn’t be.  it would be forever.  every time.  always.

rythe and i tried to talk about it last night, and saeren showed up.  i couldn’t.  right then i just couldn’t.  i lied, i ran, i said i had a hunt i needed to go on and that i’d talk to him later.

i went to voss.  i went to the cantina to drink.  and think.  and i ran into sergeant jerhal.  he could tell i was upset, but i just told him i was fine.  and then that horrible sith borus showed up and jerhal stepped in, stepped right up next to me and matched him word for word until borus left.

and i almost started crying right there in the middle of the cantina.  everything just hit me at once. jerhal grabbed my beer and walked me out and we ended up sitting and talking and i told him everything.

and he got mad, almost.  said what saeren was doing was tantamount to emotional abuse.  and he told me to leave, that i deserved better.  i told him exactly what i told saeren when we met.  i’m tired of running.

he looked right at me and called bullshit.  he said that i was running in a thousand different directions and from a thousand different things and had no idea where to go; that i was lying to myself in so many ways and in so many places that there was absolutely no way i could tell what was or wasn’t the truth any more.

and that it wasn’t about just loyalty or disloyalty or love or running.  that it was about standing up for myself, and for what i wanted -  not anyone else.  and i hated hearing it.  because he was right.

and i looked up to say something and he kissed me.  i could feel every word and every emotion behind his actions, without the benefit of being able to see my aura to point him in one direction or another.  there was nothing malicious.  he wasn’t trying to use my misery to get another notch on his bedpost.  he was trying to make me realize i didn’t have to settle if i was going to be unhappy.

and i kissed him back.  i know i shouldn’t have, but i did. 

and it’s done now.  so whatever.

i left after that.  

saeren comm’ed me while i was headed to my ship.  he knows he screwed up and was all apologies and placating words.  i told him i loved him and that i’d comm him tomorrow.  today, now.  i didn’t though.  i had to think.  i sat on my ship and drew and drank wine and thought and thought.

then i went to balmorra.  i wanted to check on harith and have some tea with tybel, but i didn’t even get as far as the base.  tybel and the baby were at the spaceport, and i found myself pouring my heart to him while the baby napped.

and he echoed jerhal’s words.  

he said that the way saeren was acting was abusive.  manipulative. 

and then he said that ultimately, i know what’s best for me.

and he’s right.

they’re both right.

i knew from the beginning, from the very first time i met him, that he was sith.  that should have warned me, should have warded me. 

i locked myself away from everyone for five years.  saeren took me out of one cage, but it feel like all he’s doing is grooming me for another.  he says he wanted me and only me, but that… it’s still a lie.  words don’t mean anything when you turn around and do the opposite in front of my face.

so no.

it’s not running away this time.

its standing up for myself.

and no matter what happens, no one wins.

i love him.  i love him so much.  but i need to love myself more.  

for once, i need to love myself more.

and i’m sure i’ll be perfectly unhappy.